~

MERRY CHRISTMAS

& a h a p p y n e w y e a r

...Epic Fail!

I haven't updated for you guys in FOREVER. Ugh. Kill me.

School's killing me slowly, and December, has of course, been the busiest month. Angel stories, along with The Big Finals have left me grasping at air.

OY.

So.
Here's the deal.

The notebook is officially ready for mailing (Can you believe I got it this past MARCH?! LAUREN, YOU IDIOT!), so that will be done with soon, and cards! Oh, cards! They'll be on their way, too.

So look out for mah mail.

L.

I give. Haitus.

So I was looking at this earlier and considered posting, but the truth is...

I'm too lazy to log in.

So.
You'll have to deal with an occasional update when I get over this mess, but until then, happy November, happy NaNoWriMo, and I hope your word counts all suck a little more than mine.

...Just kidding. I hope they slaughter mine, because once again, I'm starting out behind.

Lovehugswhateverwhateverandluck,
Lauren

TOO LONG, LAUREN!

Alright. Things have sucked lately, and I'm done talking about it, because you all have asked at one point and that's my excuse.

So I'm just going to move on.

I'm only online now at nights, so I'm pretty sure that blogging is our last connection. I'm SO sorry.

In other news, I checked my email tonight.

And, I have come to a conclusion about my life: When you graduate from school, I have decided to marry you.

...
Well. Okay... That's awkward.

Also, in case you noticed, my 'Drama Experience' list hasn't been changed in a while, so I'm updating that with:

• 'Miss Irwin' in 'Goodbye to the Clown'
• 'Joe (Josephina)' in 'Father of the Bride'

NaNoWriMo is COMING UP SOON. Be excited people. 50,000 words in thirty days of literary abandon. Sounds chaotic and wonderful to me.

I hate Southmoore, at the moment. Too dramatic, too new, too 'wannabe'. Plus, Junior year sucks. If it weren't for drama, I'm pretty sure I'd be taking internet classes. Not kidding, I can't stand it.

Hope you all are having an awesome year, and I'm so sorry I haven't sent the notebook/posted/etc/etc...

<3
Tell me about it.

Ps - Add me at NaNoWriMo.org (S/N: darnedpencil).

A Moment of Intense Nothingness.

Alright, so life is kicking me in all sorts of unpleasant places at the moment. Literally, I can't do/finish/focus on anything. So please, bear with me. The notebook is NOT forgotten, just... Postponed heavily, and yes, I plan on totally submitting to the consequences of that.

Um...
Oh! I love you guys! You make my day!

Creative Writing's not overall unpleasant, just kind of awkward. I hate when my parents go read things I've written or played a part in creating, and the other day, they went to open house and Mr. Wilmarth was all over the pen name project.

HORRIFYING.

And I'd love to tell you what my puesdonym is, but not only would I have to kill you, it's also kind of personal.

I can't stand being around my family lately, and they don't want me on the computer often.

I wonder who's reading this.

I mean, I know Laura, Jessie, Anna, Keila, Katie, and even Erin on occasion, but... Not logged in; not commenting. Because I know I'm on Google because I was stupid one time when I was being emotionally raped, but that's beside the point.

Who are you, stalkers?
Why do you know me?

It's Been Too Long.

Ugh.
I miss you guys.

SOON, I'll get everything up and running again.
Including life, which is kind of getting knocked out of the balance lately.
But that's okay.
I have amazing friends for a reason, right?

<3

Hay, Kai.
Don't Google me. x)

Shaky, Shivery, and Shocked.

So Dream Boy and I have been e-mailing, right; because e-mailing is safer than talking one-on-one, realtime?

Apparently not.

The other day, he e-mailed me, and I missed it (until now), and then today, he'd e-mailed me, out of the blue (usually it's him, me, him, me...), for the second time in a row, and all it said was...

"For some very weird reason, I want to kiss you... o_O"

My stomach is going insane.
While I would definetely say I don't want it, I know I really do. And I shouldn't. He's working me again, maybe. Maybe... He's just seeing what I'll do.

Either way, it seethes a little, but I can't feel it, because I'm so... Struck by the crazy simplicity in it, I guess, that it's eating me alive. I'm HAPPY, and I don't want to be.

Ah, fantastic.
Here we go again, Lauren.

Grossly Neglected,

and now is not the time to update - two thirty am. Ohhh no. Sleep for Lauren.

Anyway.
Julio's talking about playing another game with me.
This time, it involves his brother.
And Oklahoma.
And them physically here.

I'm scared to death.

Widsomatic.

Alright. I leave in an hour. Wisdoms are coming out, and I'm scared crapless.

♥meplease.

The Trouble With Danny.

[This is all copy/pasted. I wrote this in an email to a friend that I miss like hell.]

"Okay, bear with me. I already feel stupid about it. And this is long.
(And it's late. So if it doesn't make sense, or sounds stupidly overdramatic, I'm sorry.)

The entire week I was in San Antonio, he would call me every night and constantly text me or try and do whatever it took to reach me. Some times, we would be up until 3am while I hid in my closet, just talking. He cried over the phone once, and told me that yeah, he'd screwed up and done some stuff he really regretted, and I believed him. He told me all the stuff I didn't think I could ever hear, and I loved it.

But then, I got back home.

For the two weeks before last, the only time I talked to him was when I called him - he never showed up for church with us (which is how I know him... Not to sound prissy or anything) and usually, could only talk for a little while at a time. I stopped calling when he wouldn't call back, and kind of got myself over the whole thing. We weren't dating, so it really didn't matter.

Last Sunday, he came up to me and plainly asked me why I never answered my phone. I told him it was because he never called, and he got defensive and started telling me about calling two days before, and then earlier that day. Everyone loves him, so a couple people got on my back about it, and I basically had to explain why I didn't pick up.

And that basically began the whole hellish thing.

Monday, he called three times, but my phone was in Dad's car, and I couldn't get to it until the next day. By then, he was depressed and moody, and I was having to explain why I couldn't answer - because these things are, by default, my fault. By the end of the week, I was purposely ignoring his calls, and he was getting pissed off about it, before I finally got frustrated and told him that he was going to have to take some freaking responsibility for doing the exact same thing to me, and that I wasn't like every other girl; I wasn't constantly attached to my phone at all hours of the day, and hate calling people that I KNOW are going to chew me out.

But apparently, he doesn't get that.
And now he's still kind of tagging along.
And I'm so tired of this whole 'good boy, loved by all' thing he's pulling.
In fact, I'm tired of the entire situation.

And yeah. I know that I should just come out and tell him to back off and that we're not dating (which is another story - he apparently thinks we are now, though he told me we weren't?), and that it's not going to happen. I know, I know, I know. And yep. My stupid fault in the first place. Again, I know.

But. I'm kind of lost."

Because someone wanted to know.

Dear Stephenie, Pt. 4

Dear Mrs. Meyer,

YOU ARE IN DEEP TROUBLE, AND I CAN'T TELL YOU WHY BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE READ THIS BLOG.

But to be clear, I hated your book.

Not, like, because of an incident that happened - I was more than okay with most of those (side note: CONTENT?!) - it was just... The style. The tone. BELLA.

I'm very mad at you right now, because now I'm in love with a Patriot.

Love,
Lauren.

Just Another Day in Pardoxland. :D

So.

It's been a while.

Well, okay. Three, four, five days tops. But really, who's counting?

Anywhoo, I just wanted to drop this little gem off:

Edward: "Do you want me to sing to you? I'll sing all night if it will keep the bad dreams away."

DO YOU REALIZE HOW CLOSE WE ARE?!

&faint;

Quit. Please.

I'm ranting for a minute, about everything. Ignore it, because seriously, none of these are about you all. You are the most dependent people I know.

First of all, I'm tired of being used and thrown away, only to be dragged back out when I'm starting to get used to something. I thought I had it all figured out, but then I slipped to the one person I knew I could tell anything to, they vanished because of that and who I was in the first place, and then right as I was getting used to having the one I slipped about by my side in everything, they left.

Only, of course, to show up days later, blaming me partially, and claiming that they've tried.

It's not like I don't believe them - which, I'm not saying I do - but please don't ASK me if I still love you, and don't come in and try to talk to me like you did before. I'm so shy, and no one gets that. It's assumed I'll be there to take the lead and make things right.

The person who slipped away was, face it, Lauren, the only person in the world who made you feel absolutely gorgeous and embarassed and interesting. It doesn't matter what any of these other people are saying, it's the one that got to know you from the inside, out, that made it real. I'm actually going to have to vouch on the idea that yeah, they knew you better than anyone.

Why didn't you say everything? Why WON'T you say everything?

Actually, nevermind. I know the answer to that one: Because they wouldn't read it, and wouldn't distinctly care. They're TRYING not to, and since the only way of contacting them is negotiable in the first place, there are ways to make sure they never see my NAME again.

I'm so lost and confused and swamped with things that keep me crying at night, but I can't tell anyone, because I'm Lauren. I'm the girl who smiles when there's nothing to smile for. I'm the one that works her ass off to make sure some freak isn't going to hurt their friends. I'm the listener, which is how I like it. Why change that for one thing, even if I know I would change completely if they - he - told me to? I LIKE who I am, unlike most girls my age, and I'll be damned if I'm going to turn into some kind of disaster child that needs everyone's support and love. I can work things out myself, and I'm so happy that I can.

However, this is new, and somewhere out in left feild. I'm working on it, but running there is taking some painful amount of time.

I had to write him today. I'll send it on the twenty-first. It's a tiny birthday thing, that says absolutely none of what I want it to say. I even tried to be funny.

Anyway, it will be worth it if he reads it.

I've changed lately, I've noticed. Become more paranoid, I guess. Everytime someone says, like that ever-so-familiar person, 'Nevermind...' or 'Forget it.', it makes me crazy and I want to yell and scream and tell them that forgetting or ignoring or NEVER MINDING is a HORRIBLE thing to do, and that will get you nowhere you want to go. Things were meant to be remembered, some told, and because of things that weren't told, I'm insane.

At the same time, I've noticed other people going paranoid, and it makes me want to be completely disconnected from the rest of the world, save this blog. I get little MySpace notes about how 'Are We Okay, Because I Moved Down on Your Top Friends' and 'You're Beautiful, I Hope You Go Out With Me Someday'.

I don't care if I'm beautiful. I want to be attractive - and not just in the way of beauty. That couldn't matter less. And God forbid I be horrible at taking compliments anyway... Ugh.

NOTICE, PEOPLE: LAUREN IS NOT TO FIGHT OVER.

I'm not one for being the center of conflict, or one to take all this pressure from kids that know exactly what I mean by 'no,' but choose to run with the money anyway.

Since when, anyway, does Top Friends mean anything about how much you think of someone?

And then, as all of this verbal crap is piling high, I'm going to be sent to both a cardiologist (something's wrong because I keep feeling like I'm going to pass out, and can't breathe right) and the Oral Surgeon. I have NEVER been so scared of the results of some simple tests the cardiologist is going to run, or the needle and pain that will result from the mouth surgery.

But again, no one knows how big of a deal that is, and the singular person who would calm me the hell down, is gone.

I guess, generally, I wish the world would speak what it meant, and mean what it spoke. I don't, even. No one does. We're all so guilty of that.

Today, I decided that I don't like to be in like. I don't like going through like to get to love. I want nothing to do with the mushy compliments and sweet guestures of a doting boyfriend.

I want the understanding of it all, and I want the final feeling. I want it forever.

I don't want to date. I don't want to date. I don't want to date.

I want to meet up and laugh and feel happy and loved and...

Yeah. That's it.

About the Blog.

Due to some unforseen circumstances...

IT WILL BE UP SOON.

Hah, I forgot to finish putting it up last night.

Another Day Survived.

So I guess all that's left to do is finish up the notebook and post Clara's latest blog (which should be up, by the time you read this).

I might be going to hang out with the two Jakes Friday.

We start filming soon.

Bahaha.

I hate freaking out over stupid things.

I feel... Well, stupid... after doing so. :)

STEPHENIE MEYER IS PUTTING UP QUOTES FROM BD. GO SEE.

Dear Lovely Arzys.

Quit being a pansy.
I miss you.
Talk to me.
Keep me sane.
Make me feel okay.
Stop the mad thing.
I don't know what I did.
I don't know what you did.
I don't know about anything.
Explain?

Love,
Lauren.

This Won't Break Your Heart...

I haven't posted in FOREVER, but a lot of sad things have happened, and a lot of unsure things, and I've made a lot of friends and lost a lot of people that were close to me because of who I am.

That didn't sound emo. Haha.

No, but really, it's not as bad as it sounds. I'm fine, we're all fine, but it gives me something to worry over.

Anywho, I don't have much to write.

This song* makes me cry:

This won't break your heart
But I just think it could
Cause I haven't tried as hard as I should
To separate you from everything I do
But I would never want to come between us two

I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me

I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me

Now I'm thinking back
To what I said before
I hope your heart won't have to hurt anymore
Cause it's really not that sad from here
Because the moments I can feel you near
They keep you close to me my dear
And if they ever become too clear...

I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me

I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me

Now you've gone away
Don't worry it's ok
That you're gone away
Further than yesterday
But you'll never leave these scenes
My mind replays

I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me

I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me

I'll keep your memory vague, So you won't feel bad about me
(Where in the world have you gone now? )
I'll say the things that you said, Sometimes so it reminds me
(Where in the world have you gone now? )
Sometimes so it reminds me

I'll keep your memory vague, So you won't feel bad about me
(Where in the world have you gone now? )
I'll say the things that you said, Sometimes so it reminds me
(Where in the world have you gone now? )
Sometimes so it reminds me


(* ---That song was 'I'll Keep Your Memory Vague' by Finger Eleven.)

I Miss You All!

I'll be back on Saturday night, really late, so I might miss most of you online, but I will talk to you ASAP.
This is the first time I've been on the computer in a week. I'm dying.

Anywho,
nothing much to update that can't be said later,

So
HASTA LUEGO!
SEE YOU SOON!

Love,
Lauren.

...Would You Do it Like That?

I'm officially on vacation!
YEAHHHH!

I love you all, and I'll try my hardest to take a bahillion pictures. San Antonio, HERE I COME.

Be prepared, Shamu. Be fricking prepared.

Also, if I can update at any time while I'm over there, you know I will.

Lauren ----> three plus one, zero, fingers on your right hand -DASH- six plus one, the number before seven, zero plus one, -DASH- ten minus one, rhymes with sleven, the same number as the previous one, one finger plus another eight.

That's my number. Text me, call me, leave me pretty voicemails. I'm all for it.

When She Does It Like This...

I woke up this morning to the sound of my beautiful new phone screaming a line out of a Monty Python movie. I pick up said phone and wonder who's texting me at seven AM in the Summer's weekday, and...

Yep. Danny.

"Just thinking about you is making me smile so big my cheeks hurt."

I'm sitting there, half-awake, delerious, and grinning like an idiot for about five minutes before I pass out again.

7:30.

*Phwap! A message for you, sir!*

I groan and cry and finally sit up and open up my phone, and start to laugh in one of those, this isn't funny, but it's too early not to laugh, ways.

"Goodmorning, sweetheart. Give me a call when you wake up. I miss you."

I melted.

--

To clear things up, because I was a little smitten last night, we're not dating or anything. He's been hurt a lot by many, and I've never done anything like this at all, so he came right out and said he wanted to take it slow and have fun.

I was totally there.

Anyway, he was going to ask me to spend the Fourth with him, but forgot I was going to be gone, and Amanda was telling me that "He looked like he was going to cry when you left!"

He was telling me that he was kind of confused, because nothing this spontaneous had ever happened like this - OR, as a matter of fact, made him act all crazy-stupid.

Those were his words. Crazy-stupid. He said no one's been able to do that to him in a whole two weeks of actually liking them.

I think I've fallen for this boy.

--

And because I can't shut up about this...

We were talking about vacation and he was giving me all this advice about how to dress and to wear sunscreen (hothothot there.), just so I wouldn't get a burn, so that he could hug me as hard as he wanted to when I got back.

And then, he was talking about wearing light colors and everything, and said "Oh, hey, also, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON. I don't want any other guys trying to hook up with you."

I about cried, I was laughing so hard, but told him that it wasn't a problem.

Weird Stuff.

I think that, for once, I said yes.

Kind of.

But he never really asked, it just kind of happened once we established that we're both going a little crazy.

Umm. His name's Danny, and he's eighteen. I've known him since I was six and he was eight. We used to be the closest thing to best friends that a girl of six can have.

One of my friends doesn't trust him, and advised me to 'stay away from drinking much, because if I was used and abused, he'd have to haul ass to Oklahoma to kill someone'.

But you know, we'll see, I guess. I can't be safe/sorry forever.

Also, he's adorable and funny and sweet.
And I used to have a huge crush on him, but it really didn't seem likely.

I almost can't wait to get back from San Antonio now, just because of him. This is some strange stuff.

Okay. That's him and his sister. She just had a baby - a girl - and it's middle name is Danielle, after Danny. I swear, I've never seen anyone be so excited about something like that; he's through the roof. :)

I have good and bad feelings, but you know what, I'm going to try and ride this one out until the end. He's a sweetheart.

New Phase Of Life.

This has to be a new phase of life. Seriously. If it's not, I quit.

I've had a total of FOUR people admit that they like me in the last week. What's going on? I've BEEN here!

Anyway, one of them's eighteen (David), one of them's nineteen (Danny!), one of them's seventeen (Jake), and the other one is sixteen (Daniel).

DO YOU SEE WHY I'M PANICKING?

Not only this, but Jessica messaged me today and asked why I hadn't told her that I'd liked David. Apparently, he's been going around saying that we like each other and that he wants to date me, without mentioning that it's not happening now, or anytime very soon.

Ugh.

Anyway, my stress-laden friend who I finally got to talk to me -and he will from now on, or else- was talking about something, and we ended up on the subject of the above, which he thought was abso-frigging-loutely hilarious. When I told him one of them was nineteen, he kind of paused, then said "Isn't that illegal?" which, as far as I can think, isn't, if you're not DOING anything. Otherwise, it would basically suck to date when you're seventeen, eh? So now he claims he's coming from GA to steal me before anyone else, and that I'm taking him out on dates and paying for all of his meals, since the gas alone to get here will leave him broke.

Ha, ha. Very funny.

Oh! Right! I'm owing some people some information:

For everyone who asked, the date started out as a 'hey, do you want to hang out?' thing, and then, after being captured in the car, I was alerted to the fact that, yep, it was a date. We went to the Dollar Theatre, hung out, watched Crappy Movie of the Century, I went and met his sister and brother-in-law, and then Chris and David took me home. It was fun, but it was weird, and I don't feel like the same person after dating. Dear Lord.

THE REAL LAUREN WILL SURVIVE!

Also, I found out that my name 'is the coolest sounding name ever', since you pronounce it "LA-rhen" instead of "LOR-en." A lot of people down here can't say it, so my date night included a lot of funny words that were supposed to sound like my name.

Oh, well. They tried.

I Think That...

Dates are awkward.

I went on my first tonight, but I didn't know it was actually a date until we were in the car and he turns to me and grins and goes 'Our first date!'

I was like "WHOA, WAIT A SECOND..."

But it was really fun, despite the fact that the movie sucked (we made up 'subtitles' and 'what we would say's. Totally cool).

Side note: Don't go see Forbidden Kingdom. LAME.

And holding hands is scary.

10 (plus 2) Rules To Writing A STUPID, EMBARASSING Letter.

1. Open up your email at five in the morning.
   -This step explains why it's stupid
   
2. Feel lost, hopeless, and probably bawling your fricking eyes out.
   -This step explains why you'll be embarassed about it later.
   
3. Write everything - How you feel, your reasons for things, your excuses, and most definetely, the hardcore truth that, if it weren't five and you weren't hysterical, you would be so far from telling.
   
4. Wait impatiently for 24 hours, and then give up on person said tell-all email was sent to. Feel extremely retarded.
   
5. Decide to forget about it and move on, since that email was a piece of CRAP.
   
6. At the 48 Hour mark, you get a message saying "So I read your email..."
   
7. Feel like the ground should swallow you whole, but bravely become WitchMaster and pretend you're not embarassed with a tough, nice "Okay."
   
8. Proceed to feel pretty high and mighty, not to mention pretty secure, when said person asks, after a long pause, "Did you feel really dumb and embarassed after writing that?"
   
9. Want to kill said person for destroying all confidence.
   
10. Have a basically one-sided conversation (theirs, not yours) about why you SHOULDN'T be saying any of that stuff in the letter. Convince person that they can't possibly know that. Imagine clorophorming them.
    
11. They start talking about blood transfusions and death and 'what makes this kid special?' types of things, while you sit there and want to die. Still.
    
12. Just when you think that maybe it will all turn out okay, they pull a 'yeah, well, I have to go. ttyl.' on you.

Dangit.

But we're talking. For now... Hahah... I'm such a stubborn thing.

(From: HIM) How much longer until you give up?
(To: HIM) I can't.
(From: HIM) Have it your way.
(To: HIM) You're an ass, and it's become a challenge.
(To: HIM) And if I had it my way, we wouldn't be doing this.
(From: HIM) Everyone gives up sooner or later.
(From: HIM) So will you.
(To: HIM) You'd like to think so, but you mean more than I'm ready to give up.
(To: HIM) Also, I'm mad at you.
(To: HIM) Which makes me that much more determined.

Up Yours.

So I saw him on the online thing on which I met him today.

And it was okay.

Until he deleted the party list, meaning that I couldn't tell if he was online or where he was.

So I got mean.

I had people spam him and people try to get free crap from him. It was great.

The entire time, I sat there and talked.

He didn't ever reply.

I don't understand how he can lie about leaving like that, because he knew it was going to 'hurt' him, and then kazamm - I see him, I know he sees me, and he doesn't say a thing.

I have several nasty words that could be used to describe someone like that,
but I have a huge love for him,
so really, I'm just useless and vulnerable.

--

I LEAVE FOR SAN ANTONIO NEXT THURSDAY!
(Pray for my head and my heart - please.)

"No"

That was the last thing I got to say to him.
I doubt he'll read the email.

I can't believe he's gone.

--

In case...

LAUREN REYNOLDS OKLAHOMA LAUREN REYNOLDS OKLAHOMA ANALIE

I dare you to find me.

--

I didn't know until the second before he left that he was going to do it today. I thought there was time... But no.

I can't even think right now.

This is the Clock Upon the Wall...

This is the story of us all....

I am in SUCH a singing mood.

And also, I owe you all an apology. That post below can't even begin to be explained. Oy.

Anywho, things are looking up, and maybe I've convinced myself that things ARE going to work, if I have to FORCE them. :)

n/a.

I really don't know how to explain the feeling, or even what happened. It was like being torn apart from the inside, starting with the heart. I tried to pretend I didn't have a clue, but you weren't good at hiding it, and I am so incredibly sorry that it's my fault. You tried to ignore it but I pushed it, and now look where we are.

It doesn't hurt... It burns and seethes and eats me.

I know for a fact that this is heartbreak, but I also know that while your solution to the problem is ridiculous, and that it will just keep affecting us more, it's my fault and you have to get away.

I'm not letting go without a fight, though. You mean too much to me.

There's things I didn't and won't tell you that will destroy me, but if I could ask one favor from you, I would want you to lie to me, and tell me that you take what you said back; that you're not going to forget, you're just going to move on.

I know it's a bad lie, but please, God, convince me.



When the day comes that you have to leave, I want you to know, that I'll miss you more than anyone else I have ever known.



"Never say goodbye, because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting..."

BACK!

Now if you feel that you can't go on (can't go on)
Because all of your hope is gone (all your hope is gone)
And your life is filled with much confusion (much confusion)
Until happiness is just an illusion (happiness is just an illusion)
And your world around is crumbling down, darlin
reach out come on girl reach on out for me
reach out reach out for me
I'll be there with a love that will shelter you
I'll be there with a love that will see you through

When you feel lost and about to give up (to give up)
Cause your life just ain't good enough (just ain't good enough)
And your feel the world has grown cold (has grown cold)
And your drifting out all on your own (drifting out on your own)
And you need a hand to hold, darlin
reach out come on girl reach out for me
reach out reach out for me
I'll be there to love and comfort you
And I'll be there to cherish and care for you

I'll be there to always see you through
I'll be there to love and comfort you
I can tell the way you hang your head (hang your head)
Your not in love now, now your afraid (you're afraid)
And through the tears you look around (look around)
But there's no piece of mind to be found (no piece of mind to be found)
I know what your thinking,
You're alone now, no love of your own, but darling
reach out come on girl reach out for me
reach out reach out.......... just look over your shoulder
I'll be there to give you all the love you need
And I'll be there you can always depend on me
I'll be there to always see you through
I'll be there to love and comfort you

(Totally gifted to me. I was stunned.)

Anywahy,
I AM BACK.

:D

THANK YOU FOR THE BIRTHDAY LOVE!

Gone to Camp.

MISS YOU ALL LIKE CRAZY!



See you back on Saturday!

I'll be sixteen - FINALLY!

;]

A Letter That Will Never Go,

I'd like you to know that you're morally corrupt, you have the most crude view on things, and you're...

Well, you're the best thing.

So learn a little about Anne Frank before we go, okay? And the bombing. Definetely that. Learn that maybe his intentions killed more than you thought, and maybe put yourself in a father or mother's shoes that had to stand by the TV and pray for days until there was no trace of a life.

And maybe, since your goodbyes are longer, and the tingling sensation stronger, we'll be fine.

You remind me of my friend. He's about your age, but he kind of went away. I won't tell you about that, though. That one stings a little bit too much to pull the band-aid off on.

You don't expect much, and I love it.

I also love the way you denied it, and then came at it a little bit one time, and a little more the next. You're cracking, and it's intense, I know, but I can take it.

My jokes may make no sense,
but you're the enigma.

What a Night.

One single person made this night amazing.

Remember the nineteen-year-old (Julio)?

I tell him everything.
Nothing against any of you, but I mean, he's a guy, and he's THE fairytale guy, and basically, I can talk to him about any guys and he'll critique.

Well, I told him about the 'hey, I guess Morgan's not a bad guy thing', and he about lost it. But instead of the "YOU'RE GOING TO BE FRIENDS WITH THAT JERK?!", his response was:

"Are you still crazy about him?"

I kind of jogged around it, but said (shutup) yes, kind of still.

And I did my whole little "But it won't be the same, we're friends and thank God for that, blahblahblah" thing. You have all heard this.

He told me that I was BSing him.

And so then I launch into this huge thing about how much he loves her and the fact that I couldn't end that.

Which is when he said: "That could've been you."

And I said no, it couldn't have, and when he asked why, went into explaining how and why I was so scared of hurting people.

And then he said the first awe-striking line of the night: "Are you afraid he would want you to have sex with him or something, because if what you're telling me about before all the rumor crap, I promise you that he would wait. Dedication doesn't die."

I was like Oh.
And then I said no, that wasn't why, but that anyway, it didn't matter, because he was with someone he genuinely cared about.

"So you're just going to sit back and suffer?"

Um. No!
Which is when I pulled the, "look, someone has to be me" card.

But he kept calling me out, time after time, and telling me that I was being a moron and that I wasn't convincing him that I actually meant what I was saying.

In the middle of everything, I started to cry.

THAT was a weird feeling.

I kept thinking "What an asshole!"

And finally, the time that I told him I was overly scared, he said:

"I like you because you're interesting and unique. You're not like anyone else I've ever talked to."

Pause.

"But you? Scared? That makes you just as insignifigant as everyone else."

I kid you not, I gaped at the screen for a minute.

I had no comeback for once, you know it? But that's one of those lines that I'll never forget. The only thought going through my mind was 'ARE YOU KIDDING ME?'

I was mad.
And started crying a little harder. :/

"I have to be brutally honest with you. That really could be you. But you missed it. You screwed up. And you have to face that mistake, because you may have just missed out on the best thing in your life."

Oh, wow.
I was floored.

Because that was when I realized that he was very incredibly right. I hurt myself, and no kind of being nice or getting over it and moving on was going to help. Would you believe that he even chastened me for wanting to move on, because I would be cheating a guy out of a girl who didn't love him? Would you believe that he told me that I was lying to myself?

He told me it was okay to hate him, and that he would understand.

But I could only say thank you.


-LATER,

we were joking around, and he was like, "I would go to church camp with you, but I wouldn't make it one day. I'd question everything."

And I just said "Well, hey, at least you lasted a day."

And he said, "But in that one day, I don't think I could do what I want to do."

Me: "...What's that?"

"I want to do something in one day that no one's done in seven years."

I was up until FOUR in the AM trying to work it out of him. He made me work for it, but gave me clues that ended up narrowing it down to relating to two options, each happening in third grade:

(You should know this...)

Number one: Bad clothing.
Number two: My only ex-boyfriend.

I was kind of scared to know, but wanting to find out if he meant what I thought.

HE DIDN'T GIVE IN.

So finally, I got tired, and was like "Okay. Fine. You want to come to camp to get me to go out with you?"

And he was like "Too late. I said it was over. You'll never find out now. But anyway, you were close. Not right, exactly, but closer than nothing."

We talked forever.

Eventually, he signed off, but his last words we're "PS: You were right, and you know it. Smartass."

Ha.
I can feel so empty, and so gifted, ALL AT FRIGGING ONCE.


But it's weird.
I feel a lot better,
and I didn't know I felt bad.

Hope.

A girl I haven't seen since the end of school (so about a month ago) had a profile set up. I tried to friend her, but I couldn't, so I just stuck to looking at her blog entries.

She's very deep, and very... innocent in herself?

Her latest blog was on June sixth, called "Things are Looking Up." In it, all she had typed was, "Things are looking up." then a couple spaces and ".....odd..........".

But neither of those concerned me as much as the last one did, lower than the others, almost out of sight:

"yayforfalsehope"

For some reason, this struck me as completely unreasonable. Hope - false? I had heard those three words so many times, and yet it took one simple post with no more than nine words in it to show me that something was so wrong with that statement.

And then I scrolled down.
There were no comments.

Where her friends had commented in-depth on all of her other detailed blogs, this simple one was left without a word.

I almost commented.
But then, I didn't know what to say.

When it did come to me, it was short and true, and almost seemed too personal for the public's eyes.

I wrote it down, edited it twice, and sent it.

Maybe she'll understand where I was coming from.

---

They Exist.

I play this online game.
I have some friends across the country on it.

One of them is from GA, and he's nineteen.
He's also INCREDBILY smart, and for some reason, thinks that I'm interesting. He tells me that.
But moving forward.

We talk about some really random things - things that usually delve into deep discussions about deeper things. And for some reason, yesterday, we got to talking about dating.

Oh, I remember now. He was asking me why I didn't date.

But anyway, we got on the subject of how he asked girls out - I think it may have been me joking, or whatever, but we were there.

His answer was stunning - "I've never asked a girl out in my entire life."

So naturally, I'm like "WHY NOT?!"

And he told me that it was hard to explain, so he was going to give me an example.

"There was this girl that I really liked in eleventh grade. One day, I casually invited her to a party."

I'm sitting there thinking, yeah, cool.

"And after a while, I asked her if she wanted to 'get out of there' - like I was trying to be a douche and get in her pants, or something"

Lauren: ?!?! NOO!

"So we leave, and I drive her down to this beach, and we watch the sunrise together."

And, get this, girls, he didn't do anything to her sexually. He said he wants to kind of seem like a cliche, but be as different as he possibly can be. And no lie, he said, and I quote,

"I want to make them love themselves a little more, just to realize that I love them, too."

He has NEVER asked a girl out, because he has never had to. He lets it happen.

I'm in awe.

---

On another note, same subject, we played this game, where we asked kindergarten questions, and his favorite color is a dark shade of Teal.

Why?

"Because supposedly we dream in black and white, and teal is the only color I can remember from my dreams."

---

I find it incredibly rad that I'm friends with the only storybook guy in the world.
I also think it's rad he's not pushing anything more than friends.

HE'S INSANELY PERFECT.
SOMEONE SNAG HIM! :)

Alright, OPHELIA!!!

It's three AM.

But I'm so incredibly hyper.

Although it's not the Talon story, it's a story, and Ophelia, the Goddess of Yeah Whatever's, and her brother, the God of This Sucks Let's Kill it, have bestowed on me the luxuory of being able to write it.

(Tease: It's not Fantasy, all the names actually came to me spontaneously, and every character in it so far should be under arrest.)

DO YOU HEAR THIS?! NO MORE CANADA!

Writer's Block ends NOW.

Also, Katie, move your butt along on that WR post. I can't contain myself. ;)

ERAGON IS BOMB.

Edward Speelers, right?

NO.

EDWARD FLIPPING SPEELERS!!!!!!!!



Ow.
When did he actually become all that appealing?
Because as far as I can remember,
he wasn't.

Hmmm...

What Would've Happened - A Very Bad Draft.

So I realize that no one was happy with the Clara thing that happened. But to show you that "people" were, in fact, vouching for survival and some kind of demented happiness, here's the second or third try that got written up - something that has nothing to do with the story anymore, so Don't Even Go There.

------------

I could sit here and watch him for hours. Chest rising and falling, so calmly, only every now and then breaking into a cold sweat and, ranging on how bad his dreams were, would scream, cry, whisper, or sob out words with no sense.

His pain filled me, but when I would sit there and choke, almost physically go blind, it made me feel like maybe I was taking some of it - if even the tiniest uncountable fraction - from him.

Numerous times, Jasper had been called in when he wasn't busy with Alice or other business that he was trying to settle into, just so I could get some sleep, but that was before the fall-out, and before I was on my own. The only person who remotely tries to help is Carlisle, but we're on some tough speaking terms right now. I think the only reason I'm around him is that he's around Zach, and even then, we both tense up and I have to fight the slight tug of emotional pain he's feeling.

It started a couple of days back, and I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but every single one of them has started something with me in these past few days.

Alright, maybe I mean it.

Sunday morning, Carlisle came in during chapel hours - something I was firmly against going to, on behalf of the whole 'dead-vampire-who-almost-killed-her-fiance' thing. He checked Zach's vitals and gave me a summarized update of what was going on. Compared to the other weeks that I'd been sitting here, nothing was different except the ferocity of his nightmares and the longer periods of lucidity he was experiencing, unfortunately, all under doctors watch, so I couldn't talk or go near him...

"No, where is she?! Where's Clara?"

God, it killed sometimes...

"KEEP THEM AWAY! YOU HAVE TO KEEP THEM AW-!"

And other times, it just felt like I was stabbed over and over.

"Clara, we need to talk." Carlisle said.

I glanced up at him worriedly.

"There's no problem with Zach," he said calmly, answering the unspoken question. "I just need to talk about you for a few minutes."

He adusted his pants legs and sat in the chair across from me as I moved my feet out of it. "You've been in this room for almost three months," he said carefully. "You've been waiting this thing out, and don't get me wrong, that's extremely commendable."

I just watched him. Something was bugging him, and he didn't want to say it.

"But Clara, what if he's messed up after this? What if he never wakes up? What if it's years and years before he even bothers to open his eyes for even half a day?"

"Years and years are nothing." I said, my voice dry.

"No, they're not." He frowned and took off the spectacles resting on the edge of his nose, looking down at the floor. "And I refuse to believe that there aren't people out there that are completely smitten with you and how you..."

"I can't even go back to school, Carlisle," I said angrily. "There's not a single person that I can think of who would like to even be around me right now."

Carlisle sighed, and there was a slight tapping at the door. Both of us looked up to see Edward peering in, cautious.

"Can I have a word?" he asked me, Carlisle practically jumping to his own feet.

I remembered Bella's words: "The doctor was in on it..." They didn't escape my memory, and I knew it was no coincidence Edward had stepped in. He settled down as Carlisle left, although across the room, on the other side of Zach.

"How is he?" he wondered aloud, his tawny eyes running over the monitors.

"He's better. Always better."

Edward stared at me, his eyes shockingly brutal, and I couldn't meet his glance.

"Are you still wearing his ring?" he asked finally, breaking the silence.

I swallowed, and then narrowed my eyes in his direction. "You have eyes, don't you?"

"Yes, I guess I do." he murmered.

I knew he hadn't been asking me about the ring in particular - but why I wasn't wearing it. It was lying on the uppermost drawer of the hospital chest that was at the back of Zach's room, wrapped up in tissue paper. It hadn't felt right wearing it without him to claim ownership to it.

I was becoming a prominent member in the 'hate life' society.

"Carlisle talked to me about Zach."

My heart sank. He was going to bring up the small fact disclosed to me only the week before that had made me take off the ring and be so careful around Zach.

"Oh?"

"Yes." Edward paused. "He told me that Zach may not be the same after this incident, and that he may not..." he hesitated.

"Not want me." I said blandly.

"Right... Are you okay, Clara?"

I groaned. "Use your eyes, Ed. I'm not exactly diving into a pool of unrequitted happiness right now. If you're talking about with Zach - about rethinking my promise - I'm fine."

"Mm." he replied, and we sat there for a few more minutes.

And then, "I have someone that I'd like you to meet, Clara, if you'll give him a chance."

There was a chilling silence and my eyes shot over at him, appalled.

"He's a great guy, and you need to get out a little, at lea..."

"I'm not dating."

"Clara..."

"What happened," I started, my voice raising of it's own accord, "to understanding and patience and all those things you FED to me about how reasonable I was acting? What happened to waiting with me, sitting with me, praying and hoping and talking about him?"

He frowned. "There's absolutely NO reason to get defensive abou..."

"THERE DAMNED WELL IS A REASON TO GET DEFENSIVE."

Edward stood up and threw back his chair against the wall, the corner of a plastic edge embedding into the cold white walls, his face deforming into a mask of rage brought on by impatience and stress, most of which I had been causing lately.

"The ENTIRE family knows you're HURTING, CLARA! It's about time you take some ADVICE instead of being IGNORANT!"

I gawked at him. "You got the family involved?!"

He crossed his arms stonily. "You wouldn't listen any other way."

I said a word that I don't even want to write that I said and fought the urge to kick someone.

"WHAT ELSE WERE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!" he exclaimed, furious.

"Back the hell off? Pull your head out of your ASS?"

"Oh, very mature, Clara." He said mockingly. "I see we're back to the realistic options in this situation."

I screamed angrily and threw up my hands before I was gone, off in the middle of LaPush, shaking and crying, cussing and screaming.

Eventually, Dhart came over and draped an arm over me, both of us pulled down into the very edge of the shoreline.

"Dammit," I said sadly.

He sighed. "Yeah. I know."

"He wasn't being harsh." A cool voice said from back behind us, on the hill. We both turned around.

Jasper.

"I don't want to talk to you." I said calmly, knowing he would hear me. He just laughed and shook his head. "No," I said pointedly, "I mean it."

"Clara, come on..." He sounded confused. "It was just something that the family had wanted for you, since Zach's not going to be..." He faded off and sent cooling blasts of erie calmness washing over me, causing even more irritation, before he turned slightly and headed off with a purpose.

"Nonononono... Oh, no..."

Dhart looked at me worriedly. "Excuse me?"

"He knows something I don't." I whispered, hurting. "Oh, my God."

We were back at the hospital, looking at the building in five minutes.

"They're in there," I warned him. "The entire..."

"Family?" He filled in. I nodded bitterly, and he just shrugged. "I'm here, Clara. You're facin' up for Zach, and I'm not going to make you do it alone."

I smiled... Well, as much of a smile as would come. Even his friends were perfect.

"Thanks."

He nodded, and we took our time getting in. Steps slower than a normal human would take took us up stairs instead of the elevator, and through the six hallways (four lefts, two rights) it was to Zach's room.

I took a breath and opened the door.

And there they were.

All eyes were fixed on me, some of them with fury, some with compassion, others with tired indifference.

"I'm not going." Blatantly, I stated that fact. I wasn't going anywhere.

"It's just a date," Rosalie said, put off.

"I'm engaged to someone who's not dead. Whether I choose to show that or not is my choice, too, so don't you dare bring up the ring."

Carlisle cleared his throat, Esme patting his knee.

"We recieved some bad news this morning, sweetheart." he looked around, and for once, all eyes were on him. "Um... Zachary's uncle, Falton Stewart, knows about the whole wolf thing, and also specializes in comatose patients..."

"Zach's going to New York." Emmett said, looking pitiful.

Edward shot him a look, but Carlisle kept looking at me.

"I don't understand." I said carefully.

"His uncle has reserved a private, no-visitors room in the highest possible care anyone in the nation can offer, and to take advantage of this, Zach must be air-lifted to Albany."

"I'm going, too."

He swallowed.

"Oh, my God. Why am I not allowed to?"

"It's a private room, honey, and his uncle hates our kind. Most of the time, Zach's going to be in therapy sessions or-"

"JESUS!" someone exclaimed - a voice, hurting.

A sudden pain ripped through me and I was instantly by his side.

Zach's eyes were closed, tears streaking down his face, his hands clenched into fists by his temples. "Please, oh my God, please make it stop..."

"Ssshhh..." I said, whimpering. "Shhh. It will be okay, it will go away soon, I promise.

A swarm of Cullens, Hales, and Dhart all around him.

"CLARA!" he suddenly exclaimed, and his eyes peeled open. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

He looked straight at me - straight into what felt like a million years of knowing me, and said, "Where is she?!"

"Who?" I asked, confused, on the verge of laughing.

"Clara! I need her! I need CLARA!"

I let go of his hand and choked.

I fell to my knees on the floor and everything inside me scrunched up and screamed. I was bawling, uncontrollably, while Zach kept hollering for someone to get Clara; to get his fiancee.

I think I gagged twice. Maybe three times. Only Emmett would know. He's the one that picked me up and carried me out into the hallway. He sat there and held me close and talked to me about nothing that I could comprehend, and looked like he was going to cry too.

"He doesn't know!" I remember crying.

"He will, Clare... He's got to know."

---

Obviously, now, it makes no sense. I kind of feel for it anyway, and I know it probably would've been more humane, but it's just kind of 'outta there' Clara-wise.

OH, fanfictiondrama.

Today = Uneventful in Not-So-Many Letters

We had the carpets clean, and oh, I talked to a drunk online.

It's been quite a day, lemme tell ya. [/sarcasmsarcasm]

As much as I'm sure you want to hear about the wonderful carpets, and the fact that no, not a single one of the Stanley Steamer guys was cute, I'll start with the drunk, shall I?

His name is Anthony, and we're close friends. He's just over drinking age, so he does, and once or twice every week he'll come home drunk. Usually, he passes out afterwords and I don't talk to him or anything.

Except, no. Not tonight.

Nah, tonight he decided that he would actually get online and try to talk to me, which was not a good deal. It was like watching a dyslexic type, or something. So I just signed off.

As you can tell, the highlight of my day sucked.

Tomorrow, I'm going to church, coming home, tuning in for the MTV awards pre-show (Twilight clip - it's on at 7:30, I believe), and then trying to do something fun. Lately, I've had this weird feeling, like 'what am I even DOING?!'

In fact, I'm writing this at three in the AM because I WOKE UP at two and couldn't go back to sleep. I was sweating and panting and crap, so it was probably one of those bad dreams you can't remember.

Hmm.

I think I might spend a couple minutes on the latest Clara post (not out, don't even check). It needs it pretty badly.

Also, EIGHTEEN DAYS BEFORE I TURN SIXTEEN.
Except I won't be anywhere near a computer or phone on my birthday - I'll be at church camp, which is definetely the way every girl wants to spend her sixteenth. Maybe I'll call Daniel, Andrew, and Caleb and see what we're going to do, since really, they're the only ones I want to call about it.

Haha. I want to spend my sweet sixteenth with three guys. That's so weird.

Ohh... Maybe David, too. But for that, I'll have to find my cell phone. Crap.

Whird tah yuur motha.

(ps - scheduled surprise post coming tomorrow. you'll like it and hate it at the same time.)

Dear Stephenie, Pt. 3

What's the deal with the chess, darling? I know you claim you have no control, but even I can throw a witch fit long enough for people to realize that a cover should hold a ton of signifigance --- the English teachers of America CRAVE your symbolistic ways!

Also, Jacob Black? He must not win. I swear, I will hunt you down and massacre the first manuscript (and then steal it - BIG FAN!!!).

Anyway, back to topic: I get the idea that maybe the tall white one (that I mysteriously want to take out on a date...) is Edward, and that maybe the short red one is Bella, but WHY? WHY are they not, like, TOGETHER? Where's the wolves? And why is he towering over her like he's going to kill her!?

Are you beginning to see where the witch fit would've come in handy?

Well, you don't take emails anymore - you haven't since three weeks into the first book, so I have to write it this way and pray that you somehow find it. I love you girl, but we need to talk, is basically what I'm trying to push here.

Ciao! God Save Edward!

Lauren

I WANT IT THAT WAY!

Ted Bundy, a really fabulous musician, remembering the people who created pop.
And who still rock my Earth.

(Notice that you can hear the words? That's because the audience is SINGING ALONG!)

ON AUGUST SECOND...

I WILL BE ----> HERE.
YOU WILL BE ---> HERE.

(I searched the closest b&n to Kennebunk...)
(Also, I am attending that party. HECK YES.)

"I Like The Way You Mooov...-

...OW, NO, OW, GET OFF OF ME! I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU MOVE LIKE THAT!"

Drama Banquet memories. Good times.

So I started another Clara post - bear with me here, it's going to be long and weird, but Katie and I collaborated for a part, so it should be kind of interesting to see Annora and Clara have the same experience for once, without having to wait for a reprecussion post.

I have a new favorite word, by the way. It's 'Velleity' (pronounced VELL-uh-tee), which is, by Dictionary, 'a slight wish or tendency; inclination".

I think it's FABULOUS!

Also, I thought you Mainers who know and love this person might like to hear that I found this quote:

"Well, I loved Bloom. LOOOOOOVED it...People, I'm telling you: Read it ASAP. It's smart and layered and real, it feels honest and, yes, it's a swoonfest-o-rama. I loved it." --Bookshelves of Doom

ON NONE OTHER THAN ELIZABETH SCOTT'S WEBSITE.

I was like :O. I kind of know-but-really-don't her! AAH! (aka, know through slight association)

Also, 'Bloom' is terrific. I'm not kidding. It's wholesome amazingness in the package of a book you can't put down in the middle of reading it. If your house caught on fire spontaneously, I don't think it could even spur you to stop reading it.

Yeah.

Well... Maybe not a house fire. That's slightly extreme. But I digress. :)

We're BUTCH!

Haha. Totally watched 'Robinhood: Men in Tights' tonight. Still love it. And the guy who plays Robin? He still reminds me of Westley in 'The Princess Bride', because he happens to be the same actor.

That's right. I'm that deep and thoughtful.

Anyway, I went to the BX (mall thing) on Tinker AFB (Air Force Base - "Keep up with the acronyms!" [-Guy from Transformers]), because my aunt was talking about how Barbera Park, the woman who has a genious mind and wrote the books I started out reading - 'Junie B. Jones' books - was going to be there.

Well, she wasn't.
Turns out, that's JUNE 1st.

Really close. I know.

And also, I was looking at it, and while it's a TOUR, I don't think BP is going to be there, because on every description, it talks about how Junie B. is going to "meet her fans" on the "Stupid Smelly Bus" and perform some stuff out of the books.

I'll probably end up going anyway. :]

So I'm also expecting 'Bloom', by Elizabeth Scott, in the mail pretty soon, which excites me to no end. I think my family's sick of me talking about it, actually. I've looked for her new book, 'Stealing Heaven', which is about a girl who helps her mother steal things for a living trying to make a new life with people she's on the edge of thieving, but cannot find it.

As you can tell, I want it. BADLY.

Anywho, busy Memorial Day tomorrow...
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY
also.
The entire family's coming over and we're having steak and corn and a whole bunch of FRESH stuff in the backyard.
It's going to be fun.

Enjoy the long weekend, guys!!!

AAahduthghhgh.

It's five in the effigy-ng morning.

I'm de...

I started writing something with de, but it was meant to be exhausted, so you know what? Forget it! I'm going to bed.

[goodnight/goodmorning]

TWO DAYS!

I'm thrilled.

No, no, BEYOND THAT!

Two days of school left, and six finals. Who will win: Lauren or TOD (Tests of Death)?

Bawahaha. :)

I changed my song. I love it. Again, like the other one, I found it on an Old Navy commercial. Honestly, I think Old Navy is the new MTV with the song popularity thing.

Ahah...

I expect the murderous comments to be very nicely and precisely worded.


And AFTER you click that, click here to read my defense, please and thank you.


♥

Fixing Songs.

Because not only are half of them dead-linked,
half of them are crap-qual.

The Last Friday Ever...

...of my Sophomore year of high school.

That's slightly frightening, and also very exciting.

As in "Hey, this is the last Friday you'll have to fight sleep in first hour."
or
"Hey, this is the last Friday you'll have to stand in the cafeteria line forever."
or
"Hey, this is the VERY last Friday you'll spend at Moore High School."

Oh, wait. That last one was scary.

I didn't buy a yearbook, so that kind of made things a little harder memory-wise. Everytime I looked at someones yearbook - signed it, rather - I got this little feeling of nostalgia.

At eighty, would I remember the people who effected me so much this year? The seniors that I'll never see again? The people who won't come back to Oklahoma? The kids that are staying at the old high school?

Oh, MY!

Of course, this caused me to write huge novellas in every person's book (minus Whitney, but I've written in her yearbook every year since kindergarten). They were funny or awkward or sad or (for the ones I didn't know too well) slightly generic.

But it was strange, because I've never felt like I had to do that before. Now it's kind of a do-or-die feeling.

OH, HIGH SCHOOL! The rampant emotions. :)

Of course, we all know about that, right? Eh?

(Just think - Only a few more days of posts about school and the drama inside of the drama that was happening! More posts about... Oh. Huh. Well, we'll see, I guess!)

The Confession.

I am in love with no one.

SUCK IT!

:)

Oh, Baby, Baby.

Alright, so today was awesome.

Firstly, "A", (who I have this stupid crush on... WHY?) stops me on the way to lunch and goes,

"A": "What's your last name?"
Lauren: (sigh) "Reynolds?"
"A": "So it WAS you they were talking about!"
Lauren: (concerned and stunned look) "Ooohhhkaaayyy..."
"A": "Oh, no, it was good, I swear!"

Which was weird, I will not lie. But whatevaah.
And then at lunch...

M.B.W.: "Yeah, so Bronson talked about you in class today."
Lauren: "Oh, crap."
MBW: "Actually, she wasn't shutting up about how great you did in the One Act."
Lauren: (DIES.) "You're LYING!"
MBW: "Haha. Nope. She doesn't give compliments to people's faces."
Lauren: (DIES AGAIN.)
MBW: "I have to say, I'm getting sick of hearing about you. Everyone that's talked about One Acts has talked about you."
Lauren: "STOP ITTTT. I'M GOING TO FREAK OUT AGAINNNN."


Oh, and last night, "A" was all saying hi to people and high fiving and all that jazz, and I was like "Hey, I need to get in on this partay." So I kind of jumped up there and before I even got there he had his arms all open and I was like YESSSSSSSSSSSS. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs. And yes, it was an amazing hug.

I knew there was a reason I voted him most huggable. :)

But he's totally taken, girls. No hot gossip here.
He's still really nice, though.

Anywhom.

Oh, so I BOUGHT THE HOST TODAY.
It's frigging long. :)
But okay so far.

Also, I won't be able to talk *TOO* much this weekend, because we're having "family bondage (Whoops - BONDING) weekend". JAY KAY. It will be fun. I think.

And Anna, really darling, what are we going to do about our wedding?! I so want to be your unlawfully wedded wusbife. Hahaha.

:(

We'll work it out.

SHANK.

--

In answer to "What, Lauren, is that little blurb of random at the bottom of your last post?", that would be a story I started working on a few months back, when I was trying out this storywriting software (free, but kind of limiting). I started to write this story, and when I was messing with it the other day, the first chapter kind of exploded.

So I'm throwing it on here for kicks, and seeing if I can't get a little more motivated for some Talon.

Argentina slipped on her flip flops as she opened the door, concentrating more on the floor than on what -or who, rather- was outside of her door.

"Um, hi, hello, Ms. um, Benney-luch-ee."

Argentina looked up with a start, her foot frozen over one of her flip flops, and then smiled warily at the woman. "It's actually pronounced Ben-na-loo-chee."

The woman blinked. "Oh. Sorry."

Argentina licked her lip, an annoying habit that had caused her habitual chapstick to show up in her back pocket. "It's okay, no worries. You can call me Argentina, though."

She nodded speedily.

"And you are...?"

More than once, Argentina had a fan show up, begging to see her "wings" or know how she'd done it, or, more often than not, get an autograph.

For the hundreds that had done it in the past three months she'd been famous, there hadn't been a fan who left disappointed... Minus the ones who wanted to actually see "wings", and even then, she wasn't mean.

--

ENJOY.
Also, I am officially a member of the ITS (International Thespian Society) (Not a sexual preference - a society of actors).

Bopdoodeedoo.

Well, it sucked. Our play FELL APART, and we ended up skipping three-fourths of it.

So as I'm about to BAWL (the Shakespeare Abridged one got first, by the way), Jasmine runs up to me and says "Oh my God, Lauren. Your show sucked. BUT... You completely made it. You MADE the show. Everytime you got onstage it was like 'FINALLY!' and you made me cry. You were so emotional."

Lauren: (blank stare) "Liar."

Jasmine: "Um, excuse me, but I am black and you know me well enough to know that I tell you when you suck."

And I thought about it. And yeah. She does. Yikes.

And then, a while later, Kelvin, this senior who I love dearly, comes up to me and goes "Girl, you totally OWNED your show. You ROCKED IT."

I was like :O
And literally kind of screamed and jumped around like an idiot.

Anywho, at the end, they gave these 'All-Star' awards to EIGHT people who were written down by ALL three judges as showing exceptional talent out of ten that they wrote - the judges didn't get to compare notes - and no, I was not one of them.

But later, Jasmine was telling me she had talked to Baugus (she didn't get an award either) and said that Baugus had told her that the only other people who had gotten two judges to vote for them were JASMINE AND I.

OH MY GOODNESS.

I was so happy.
Like, we failed.
And got no awards or anything.
But I was jumping around.
And being so hyperhappy.

:)

---


Harriet waited excitedly out the door for her client. Argentina Beneluchi, Luca DeMarco's close friend and personal savior, as he had proclaimed her, was right inside that door, getting ready for not only a press meeting - the biggest one Harriet, a thirty-seven-year-old publicist, had ever been to -, but also a meeting with the stars of 'Miracle Workers' on the 'Dharma and Kenneth' nightly show, since basically, the show had been plotted around her entire life... Minus the fact that she lived in a crappy orphanage.
The pudgy woman adjusted her glasses nervously. She was used to stars (not major ones, but stars all the same) demanding things left and right, and none of them even had touched the kind of fame Luca DeMarco had skyrocketed her into.
Rightfully, she was scared that this girl, only seventeen, would want more than her other clients had - that she would want Harriet's soul.

Happy Sink Of Day My OH!

:)

It's my grandad's birthday. But I don't know how old he is, just that he's older than I am, and hopefully older than Dad.

So, a couple very exciting events coming up, and to make sure that I actually remember them (not to mention make you make me tell you about them -as if that weren't confusing-), I will list them ALL!

- One Act Competitions are TOMORROW! We go first, and I am SO incredibly nervous. It's my first competition in acting (not the first time I've acted) and the first time I've taken direction, albeit forced, from a student director. Plus, it's about Anne Frank, and who doesn't want to be involved with that kind of stuff? Unfortunately, a lot of people, because 'The Complete Works of Shakespeare: Abridged' is also being done. Jerks.

- They're making 'WAKE' INTO A MOVIE!
MAY FOOLS, you cinco de Mayo celebrators, although I wish it were true (as long as they didn't screw it up and I was helping direct - ha, ha). It's my favorite book right now. It beats Twilight even. Cabel is love, and Janie isn't whiney.

- Official Twilight Teaser Trailer is OUUUUUUT (on MySpace). See here.

- Speaking of the Meyer Factor, 'The Host', her first adult novel that I've been salivating about, comes out TODAY (well... Tomorrow, I guess, but it's the wee hours of the sixth right now, so TODAY)!

- Samantha and I are performing 'Midnight Run' for Theatre in the Courtyard possibly - this is next week I'm talking about.

- Oh, crap. There was something else that I thought of in the middle of writing about Midnight Run, but now I can't remember it.

BASICALLY, in a nutshell, that's it.

Ha, ha.

Break a leg to everyone else getting up on stage any time soon!

When Hacking MySpace...

...Seems pretty fun.

Honestly, I don't remember this. All I know is that it was SEVENTH GRADE (04/05), and these were some of my best friends (Daniel's got the faux 'fro in the back, FYI).

I thought it might just be worth the kicks and grins.

Also, I'm the blonde one in front, laughing my butt off. Go FIGURE. :)



As for Banquet pictures (which, it was YESTERDAY til THIS MORNING and yet still, CERTAIN SPECIFIC PEOPLE are asking for them), I have a couple, but nothing great. I know a lot of kids who took some and are posting them on Facebook, so I'll post as they appear.

Until then, enjoy.

BOOMDEYADA!

(see post below.)

Anywho.

TOMORROW IS BANQUET, and I've bought my shoes.

I also cut all my hair off, believe it or not, and have side bangs. I'm kind of feeling great and sick all at once about it. Like, it's pretty and I love the feeling, but LONG HAIR!

The lady didn't know what an inch was, but hey, she did awesome anyway.

No worries - I'm going to pict-a-spam after banquet.

Also, I'm so very sorry I haven't seen you guys in the last two days. Tonight, we were out and about until ten (eleven in Maine), and the night before, I was in a horrible mood and my aunt showed up and things just made me want to scream.

I AM BETTER, THOUGH! In fact, I'm super hyper.

And. I think I might be watching Juno tomorrow in SciSem if Matt brings the video. YAY!

I lobe* you all. :D



*totally meant to say that. Promise.

I Love the Whole World!

Do you?

No?



WHAT ABOUT NOW?!

I saw this last night and about peed myself. I'm in love with it.

The Real Movie Post.

Since I forgot to give credit, because I am a bad person:

All credit for the clips goes to KateMaraFan.com.
The song is 'True', by Ryan Cabrera.
The transitions and fact that this was all thrown together is my fault.
Also, HIGH credit to the show 'Jack & Bobby'. And the WB.

----

ALSO, check it:

Q:"HI ROBERT! I just wanted to say that I would choose you over Jacob any day! Marry me?" - Rachel

Q:"Robert, I love you! Please marry me! =D" - Elle

Q:"I have a question for Robert ... will you marry me?" - Ryan_the_girl

Q:"Will you marry me????" - Ady

Q:"Robert: Will you marry me?" - Cynthia

Q:"Marry me?" - Rachel

Q:"Will you marry me? J/K. I'm only 14." - Minh-Thu

Q:"Marry me?" - Kam

Q:"Hey, Robert! Will you marry me? You have beautiful eyes. And I think you should marry me." - Katie Howell

Q:"Will you marry me?" - Becky

Q:"Will you marry me?" - Christinax3

Robert Pattinson (Edward Cullen): It depends on what you look like. [Laughs.] No, not really. Well, yes. It's depending on how old you are and depending on a lot of other things. I don't like children, though; not at all. And you'd have to clap after every take on every job I do for the rest of my life.

I AM SO THERE.
But... Hmm...
Is Kellan a people person? Because I think I'd marry him.

Actually, yes. I'd marry him.

Banquet, Sleep, and other Non-Related Things.

MY BANQUET DRESS HAS BEEN BOUGHT!
I. am. THRILLED.

Plus, it was under fifty bucks. Still, my padre complains.
Oh, well.

It's 1:40ish. :) SLEEP.

Oh, and my MV maker has decided to start up (AGAIN) that whole freezing every six minutes crap. Meaning that it will be a while longer.

Also, I am not winning Screnzy this year. BIG surprise.

But it's all good.

MV

So, while I've been labouring over numerous paragraphs of unsullied CRAP that reeks of Clara (we've been having some arguments...), I decided 'oh, whatever, I'm going to take a break and slack' (though not in those words). Katie, being a genious, encouraged my movie making. :)

So here you go. If you can remember, the last movie I made was thirty seconds of Clara/Nicholas proportioned footage - most, not all, of it in actual video. This one, on the other hand, is so SO different:

It's a CLARA/ZACH MV, with ALL VIDEO, and not sad, because basically, it's the memories before everything.

(What's great is that the guy I've finally decided that sure, whatever, I'll use for Zach, has been in a series with Kate Mara, making my life fantastic!)

(Oh, and Zach is now not blonde. I was sad.)

ENJOY AND LOVE. :)

(----EDIT: I hate Blogger and Photobucket. The video crap has GOT TO STOP, guys! All uploading credit goes to YouTube. Freaks.)


UPDATED VERSION COMING SOON!!!
-If you saw the original, this one will be better. :)-

Happy Earth Day!

Dear friends, today is the day to recycle! To remember that our Earth is awesome! To go prance around a tree and...

Well, okay, basically, HAPPY EARTH DAY.

So I'm reading "Wake" again...

And pretty much, I just want to thank Elizabeth Scott for letting me be able to read such an amazing book. It's so deep and dark in places, and I'm not kidding, in some parts I had to look away from the pages because of the tension in the story. I've got a weakness for dreams (as you all may know), and this book has got to be one of my favorites.

Also, I'm saving the Stealing Heaven card that came with the "Wake" book. Elizabeth wrote on it, and since I'm pretty much obsessed over anything author-related, it's one of those treasures I'm sure to pull out of a shadow box when I'm seventy and be showing to my grandkids.

Speaking of 'obsessed', at the gymnastics meet for Kristen this weekend, one of the girls was sporting a shirt that read: "Obsessed is another word the lazy like to call the dedicated."

I think I like it. New mantra. Kind of.

I need to work on a whole Clara thing for you guys, as well as two essays for school, memorizing my lines as both 'Young Eva' in 'And Then They Came for Me: Remembering Anne Frank' and 'Fairy Godmother' (who's delightfully witty and absentminded, not to mention funny) in 'Cinderella, Cinderella', the children's theatre piece that's supposed to be memorized by Wednesday.

Yes. Yikes.

But WHATEVER. I love it.

Um, and thank you for the lovely posts, Jessie Lynn. :D

Twilight Movie News.

An official line from the movie is:

"You better hold on tight, spidermonkey."

-Edward to Bella, who is on his back.

I'm excited... Spidermonkey. Ahaha.

---

ALSO (update):

I read Wake, by Lisa McMann, and I swear to anyone, IT IS AMAZING. Janie, a teenaged girl, has always been plauged with the curse of being sucked into people who fall asleep around her's dreams. Her life is spent hiding it, but when someone starts having murderous dreams and finds out that she can see them, things get a little complicated.

And. I love the name Cabel.

(Stupid awesome authors, thinking up the creative and stupidly original names that, you know, it might have been nice to tell me about before it was published.)

Just kidding. It's all love.

Packing, then Kansas!

KANSAS! WOO!

I'm leaving on Friday, so if you need to get ahold of me, call le cellular. Otherwise, I will most likely have to talk to you on Monday night. :P

I don't know if I'll be awake enough from packing/practice (they recasted older me. Oh, boy) to post tomorrow, so this may have to kind of serve as an I LOVE YOU TTYL! thing. Which I do love you, btw. :)

UGH. FORGET IT. I'LL WRITE TOMORROW.
I'M TIRED!

Ovelay ouyay, ymay ellowfay igpay atinlay eadersray.
♥

---LAUREN'S BLOG EXCLUSIVE!---

Scripting procrastination. I am so incredibly far behind that yes, you should probably shoot me. But please refrain, because I had this incredible orginal idea for a story, and kind of wrote a page of it. And I love it, strangely enough. Writer's block can do some crazy stuff to the ole' 'magination.


After all, she was the girl that haunted his nightmares, and yet, he would never remember her.

She smiled wickedly at him. “I have no name.”

He raised an eyebrow, and her façade faltered for a moment, though not as much as it did when he spoke the simple words that shattered her whole unlife. “I know you’re a nightmare.”

In the blink of an eye, it was all gone, and he was once again awake.

That look, he thought to himself, that horrified look on her face as the words were even slightly formed in his mind. The way she’d seemed so sure, and then had been almost scared.

He shook it off, and called Jeremy.

“Wha?” Jeremy answered with, obviously still partially sleeping.

“I did it. I told her she was a nightmare.”

Carson could barely make out the explicit swears on the other end of the line, the floor creaking as Jeremy sat up in his bed.

“You didn’t. Not tonight.”

He laughed nervously. “Uh, yeah. Because you said something about telling her that and she wouldn’t come back.”

Jeremy cursed again. “We are screwed.”

He frowned. “I did what you said, she gave me this dear-in-the-headlights-look, and then I woke up.”

Three more swears. “You weren’t supposed to do it tonight, moron! Go outside and tell me what you see.”

“It’s three in the morning,” he said, flicking his gaze over at the neon numbers beside his bed, glowing in what seemed to be mid-air. “Is this necessary?”

“Just look out the frigging window, then!”

Carson stood up and felt his way around the room, towards the shades that he’d pulled closed the night before. The moon had been so bright.

Slowly, and then quickly, as to get it over with, he opened the shades, flinching from the brightness of the-

“There’s nothing out there, Jeremy.” He said flatly. “No monsters, no nightmares, no moon, even.”

“EXACTLY!” Jeremy yelled over the phone, frustrated. “A NEW MOON!”
He sat there, puzzled, as Jeremy fumed for a minute, before explaining, his voice strained.

“A nightmare can be stopped, the freaky vixens that they are, if you tell them, in your horror dream, that they are a nightmare, but if you do so during a new moon, they’re not just in your horror dreams anymore – they’re REAL.”

“You’re kidding.” He said, lacking conviction.

“Oh, no.” Jeremy replied, laughing sarcastically. “No, no, no. And you know what’s better than that? Every single person who knows anything about the nightmares can see them, while everyone else remains completely clueless.” He could hear Jeremy fall back onto his bed. "Screwed, screwed, screwed, screwed, screwed!"

Elizabeth Scott Is Not Only a Great Writer.

She also gives away GREAT PRIZES.

I can't believe it. Oh.my.GOODNESS.

Elizabeth, I love you.
Oh, and thank you for Facebooking me.
Oh, and thank you for blogging about me.

Did I mention that I love her?

Just because I'm in love with Pig Latin now...

Ightalray eoplepay! Igpay atinlay ostpay!

Osay, igpay atinlay siay outabay ethay oolestcay anguagelay atthay ashay erevay eenbay iscoveredday. Tisay osay asyeay otay earnlay - ouyay ustjay itchsway oundaray ordsway ointay isthay ecificspay erorday, enthay ddaay otway etterslay.

Usplay, Iay maay ettinggay ethay iggestbay ickkay utoay owingknay atthay onay eonay illway erstandunday isth!

IAY OVELAY UOYAY LLAAY!

Hoay, fiay uoyay urntay utoay otay ebay (HAHA. EBAY!) eablay otay ecipherday llaay foay isthay, ongratulationscay!

...Ecausebay atthay astlay ordway asway OSAY ardhay otay igurefay utoay.

Omecay otay inkthay foay tiay, ymay igpay atinlay indkay foay ucksay... otalay.

Iptingscray - Entytway agespay!

Scripting - Twenty pages! (In pig latin, which I am teaching myself because it's pretty easy to learn, believe it or not.)

It's already ten thirty, and I want to kind of write five pages before I go to sleep (which may not happen at this rate), so this post won't be long or anything, just kind of... there. :)

I DO HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW.
Which sucks. I agree.
But my doctor wrote the wrong date on my note. Turd.

In other news, ymay extnay ayday ffoay siay ethay entytway-ixthsay foay AYMAY.

SIGH.

---

MRS. L
For the next several days, you all will be writing a story. No, it doesn't have to be a novel, but you're going to kind of... pretend... that you're a novelist, writing some kind of fiction: SciFi, Fantasy, or just plain Fiction. You choose. I'll be handing out character sheets to be filled in, antagonist, protagonist, and three supporting characters, and I'll also expect to see a notebook of thoughts about your story as you write it, problems that you encounter, and how you chose to solve those problems.

TRAVIS
(flatly)
Crap.

mMMm.

Dear Kellan Lutz:

YOU ARE MY FAVORITE AND I LOVE YOU.

Thank you.
Lauren.

Back to the Old Grind...

I'm being weird with titles for posts lately. They're making no sense.

BUT WHATEVER.
:)

All is good, except that I'm sick. I went to the doctor the other day, and because there's nothing in my family that can't be done without drama of some sort, several things happened.

Firstly, I'm home until Tuesday. WOOOO!

Secondly, the doctor perscribed this weird pill, and we go to get it filled, and it turns out to be heroin.

(Just kidding.)

They actually didn't have the medication there, which has NEVER HAPPENED TO US.

So we're trying the Wal-Mart pharmacy (which sounds pretty freakin' genuine, eh?) today, and hopefully the suckers will have it.

Hehehe... I need to ript-scray.

Page Fourteen, and WOW, Where has my BRAIN been?

WOW. Where has my BRAIN been?

Hahaha.
I'm still alive.
I just, you know, have no time and charger.

---

AUDRA
Well, I'm gone to History. Get some sleep in English, because I intend to tell you about hot-as-ever David Harrington and our close romantic encounter when I drop my pencil close to his desk.

LUCY
(shaking her head)
You should be ashamed.

AUDRA
Should, but not. SEE YA!

Page Count: Seven. (Yay!)

So, okay.

Today my brother ran away. Literally.

It was hell.

But now, it's better.

And I don't want to discuss it at all.

:)

If you do want to hear about it, I can post what I told Anna (who, speaking of, I owe an apology - My laptop SHORTED OUT. I was STUNNED. But Dad fixed it again, and now I'm just worrying about the charger again. Woo-hoo.)

Basically, everyone in my family's feeling slightly weirded out right now. I'm not the only one, and I feel kind of selfish for even writing that last thing about wanting to go away - I'm not alone, here. My parents and Michael are in this too, and as much as I might feel so danged unique, I'm still their family, and if I leave, I'm giving up.

So commences the 2008 search for a best friend, by the way. Kyleigh's hanging out with Steph, who I can't be around for long periods of time, and when I tried telling her about this Morgan thing, she was just like "well, you heard that pregnancy thing from Daniel, so who knows if it's true" - like I would DOUBT the only guy who cares enough to call ME.

But she's still my friend. I just feel kind of limited on what I can tell her.

AAAARRRGH.

Okay.
Frustration ----> slightly vented.

Oh, and since Dad checked me out of fifth and sixth hour to try and find Michael today, I'm officially failing English and potentially drama for absentses. I'm going to talk to the principal tomorrow, and reason with her and tell her to talk to dad.

Blah.
These last two weeks could be erased and it would be better.

Don't Get Me Started... Please.

Morgan's dating Amanda McC.

And yes, I'm excluding her FULL last name because I'm going to say some things that aren't nice about her. But I mean them in every way, and I wish I could sit down and tell her these things.

I was talking to Daniel on the phone (I swear, he's the only person I can talk to freely... almost. I have no female friends to rely on anymore, and I definetly don't want to talk about boys to him), and he happened to mention the small fact stated above.

I swear to whatever is Holy, I thought he was kidding.

Amanda McC is pretty, I'll admit. She's not a 'stunner' or anything, but I think she's incredibly pretty and sweet.
She's the girl you want to date if you want sex - that's the reputation she gives off.
She's been pregnant once with a miscarrage, another that was a 'false alarm'.
She gets pleasure out of toying with people's emotions - guys, specifically.

She got Morgan grounded because he stayed with her until a quarter till, and showed up at his own house close to one in the morning.

I thought that he wanted to be my "fallback", and yet I feel like I'm more of his last choice.

Okay, not last, I get it. But I'm still fallback. And being fallback is everything I'm trying not to be - I want a guy who knows me, but wants to know me more; a guy that won't realize that I exist after he dates or chases one of my best friends; a guy that wants Lauren, and isn't using me.

I am so TIRED of being used!

...

It hurts. A lot more than I want it to.

This was a horrible time for this to happen - these last couple of weeks have been literally a trial-by-fire. And now this? Telling me that the only reason I know anything anymore is because of someone who calls me up three times a month or so to tell me about his life?

I wish Morgan and I were still friends, at least. Then, I could talk to him about Amanda.

But you know, I can't. I can't stand another awkward phone call that *I* had to make, or another slanted conversation at my house because I invited him over. I can't handle any of that anymore.

In the last year, High School, I think that I've stopped caring as much.

And that sucks. A lot. But I can't do it on my own. I need some kind of proof that you care back.

I wasn't trying to be a girlfriend or a crush. I was trying to be more of a friend. But then again, I should've known from last time that friends obviously don't call each other.

I don't know.

If he wants to talk to anyone, maybe he should try Kim. She'd be more willing to make amends, and might even tell him what she thinks of AmMcC (the same as I do). But I needed a friend, and somewhere in the mix, I thought that maybe it was him.

It wasn't.

I wish I had the guts to just walk up to my family and say that I want to move away for a month or two - get away from the people who've kind of wrecked everything up. They wouldn't understand that I don't mean that I don't love them. It's just... Everything's equalling nothing right now.

It's okay, though.
I'm breathing. :)

In other news, SCRIPT FRENZY is tomorrow! Once again, it's very iffy on whether I'll be able to finish, although I promise to do my best (not promising a stable plot at all).

Mkay.

Better.
Much better.

WRITING RANTS challenge complete.
Mazie's going to be fine.
Little dog probably has the same stuff, but it's not severe yet, so we'll take her in on Monday to get the medication.

A thousand dollars - dropped in one weekend.
It's been insane.

Does anyone want to kidnap me?

I'm So Scared.

I'm so scared.

Mazie's sick, and my heart aches. She's not eating, and is heaving up thick spit up onto the carpet. For once, I don't mind cleaning it up, although I have to fight back the tears. It hurts so bad watching my puppy shudder and suffer, because we can't take her to the vet until tomorrow. Even then, I'm so afraid for her - that she won't make it. And right now, I'm not able to handle that.

We came home and couldn't find her until I walked into my room, where she was on my bed, shaking like she does when she's cold - except it's not cold. She wouldn't move off of the bed willingly, and threw up on mom and dad's bed.

My throat hurts with that knot you can't get out when you cry. I love her.

Please, please, please, God - I need her; I've already lost so many of my angels this year.

Good/Bad News.

The Good News:

I've started working on the Clara/Zach post, the challenge that's going to be a 'teaser' for the C/Z post, and basically, life is good.

The Bad News:

My laptop charger is broken. For the third time.

Pretty much, you all are going to have to bear with me through this - I'm going to have to find a way to fix it all up to where I can use my laptop more than I can right now - the cord is so bent out of shape. I won't be on messenger for a while, possibly only for tonight (which, by the time I'm writing this, you know), and I'm SORRY! I have email and other accessible profiles you can talk to me on, but Trillian is special to my laptop!

Oh, so something very disturbing happened today: I realized I haven't been thinking about Morgan (except when Jessie and I talk about the latest pit inhabitants).

It's so strange.

Chasity was talking to me randomly while she was playing with my hair, and all of the sudden goes, "So... Have you heard from Morgan lately?" (She knows about the whole 'talking' thing, and like I've said before, admits to totally dumping her boyfriend and going out with him in a heartbeat if he asked. She has also told me I was dumb. I agreed.)

Anyway.

I was like, "No..."
And she says, "Oh, yeah, I haven't heard from him, either."

Lauren: "Yeah. Well. He probably has a girlfriend."
Chasity: "Like last time he wasn't talking to us?"
Lauren: "Exactly."
Chasity: "Ah. Yeah. You're probably right. Loser."
Lauren: "Mmm. I'm over it."

And she kind of stared me down for a minute and sighed and gave me cornrows.

It was crazy. Because it was the first time I'd actually had to think-THINK about it in that way in a very long time.

Yay, independence!

Stronger!

Work It Harder
Make It Better...

:)

Does anyone else happen to love that song by Daft Punk, yet also adore it in the version it's in on here, with whatshishead singing over it?

Yes. Yes, you do, although you may not know it.

Also, I am procrastinating on everything, so hold your tongues. I know you want it. So do I, believe me.

I WANT IT ALL.

Anywho.

Dear Anna - I hear rumor of a big marathon of BSG sometime... Maybe tomorrow (???). Look on the SciFi site, if you get that. Haha.

I'm working on the challenge.
And Talon's yelling at me. VERY much.
And Clara's sulking.
And Mr. Burton's wanting his paper.
And Lauren's DYING.

Haha.

So I went to TAA (Teachers As Advisors) today (it's a period of forty-five minutes where you're supposed to look up to the teachers and ask for advice or whatever. Our TAA teacher teaches anatomy and doesn't care what we do. We play BS. And yes. It's the bad word. Except it's never said unless you're playing with Beaner. I love him.), and the teacher, who hates everyone's driveling and whining about how cold it is in the building (It's FIFTY outside, and the school board has it cranked to full AC. Morons.), so on his board, he had written in a little cloud:

"Bundle up. There's nothing I can do about it."

I don't know why, but that completely filled me with happiness.