TOO LONG, LAUREN!

Alright. Things have sucked lately, and I'm done talking about it, because you all have asked at one point and that's my excuse.

So I'm just going to move on.

I'm only online now at nights, so I'm pretty sure that blogging is our last connection. I'm SO sorry.

In other news, I checked my email tonight.

And, I have come to a conclusion about my life: When you graduate from school, I have decided to marry you.

...
Well. Okay... That's awkward.

Also, in case you noticed, my 'Drama Experience' list hasn't been changed in a while, so I'm updating that with:

• 'Miss Irwin' in 'Goodbye to the Clown'
• 'Joe (Josephina)' in 'Father of the Bride'

NaNoWriMo is COMING UP SOON. Be excited people. 50,000 words in thirty days of literary abandon. Sounds chaotic and wonderful to me.

I hate Southmoore, at the moment. Too dramatic, too new, too 'wannabe'. Plus, Junior year sucks. If it weren't for drama, I'm pretty sure I'd be taking internet classes. Not kidding, I can't stand it.

Hope you all are having an awesome year, and I'm so sorry I haven't sent the notebook/posted/etc/etc...

<3
Tell me about it.

Ps - Add me at NaNoWriMo.org (S/N: darnedpencil).

A Moment of Intense Nothingness.

Alright, so life is kicking me in all sorts of unpleasant places at the moment. Literally, I can't do/finish/focus on anything. So please, bear with me. The notebook is NOT forgotten, just... Postponed heavily, and yes, I plan on totally submitting to the consequences of that.

Um...
Oh! I love you guys! You make my day!

Creative Writing's not overall unpleasant, just kind of awkward. I hate when my parents go read things I've written or played a part in creating, and the other day, they went to open house and Mr. Wilmarth was all over the pen name project.

HORRIFYING.

And I'd love to tell you what my puesdonym is, but not only would I have to kill you, it's also kind of personal.

I can't stand being around my family lately, and they don't want me on the computer often.

I wonder who's reading this.

I mean, I know Laura, Jessie, Anna, Keila, Katie, and even Erin on occasion, but... Not logged in; not commenting. Because I know I'm on Google because I was stupid one time when I was being emotionally raped, but that's beside the point.

Who are you, stalkers?
Why do you know me?

It's Been Too Long.

Ugh.
I miss you guys.

SOON, I'll get everything up and running again.
Including life, which is kind of getting knocked out of the balance lately.
But that's okay.
I have amazing friends for a reason, right?

<3

Hay, Kai.
Don't Google me. x)

Shaky, Shivery, and Shocked.

So Dream Boy and I have been e-mailing, right; because e-mailing is safer than talking one-on-one, realtime?

Apparently not.

The other day, he e-mailed me, and I missed it (until now), and then today, he'd e-mailed me, out of the blue (usually it's him, me, him, me...), for the second time in a row, and all it said was...

"For some very weird reason, I want to kiss you... o_O"

My stomach is going insane.
While I would definetely say I don't want it, I know I really do. And I shouldn't. He's working me again, maybe. Maybe... He's just seeing what I'll do.

Either way, it seethes a little, but I can't feel it, because I'm so... Struck by the crazy simplicity in it, I guess, that it's eating me alive. I'm HAPPY, and I don't want to be.

Ah, fantastic.
Here we go again, Lauren.

Grossly Neglected,

and now is not the time to update - two thirty am. Ohhh no. Sleep for Lauren.

Anyway.
Julio's talking about playing another game with me.
This time, it involves his brother.
And Oklahoma.
And them physically here.

I'm scared to death.

Widsomatic.

Alright. I leave in an hour. Wisdoms are coming out, and I'm scared crapless.

♥meplease.

The Trouble With Danny.

[This is all copy/pasted. I wrote this in an email to a friend that I miss like hell.]

"Okay, bear with me. I already feel stupid about it. And this is long.
(And it's late. So if it doesn't make sense, or sounds stupidly overdramatic, I'm sorry.)

The entire week I was in San Antonio, he would call me every night and constantly text me or try and do whatever it took to reach me. Some times, we would be up until 3am while I hid in my closet, just talking. He cried over the phone once, and told me that yeah, he'd screwed up and done some stuff he really regretted, and I believed him. He told me all the stuff I didn't think I could ever hear, and I loved it.

But then, I got back home.

For the two weeks before last, the only time I talked to him was when I called him - he never showed up for church with us (which is how I know him... Not to sound prissy or anything) and usually, could only talk for a little while at a time. I stopped calling when he wouldn't call back, and kind of got myself over the whole thing. We weren't dating, so it really didn't matter.

Last Sunday, he came up to me and plainly asked me why I never answered my phone. I told him it was because he never called, and he got defensive and started telling me about calling two days before, and then earlier that day. Everyone loves him, so a couple people got on my back about it, and I basically had to explain why I didn't pick up.

And that basically began the whole hellish thing.

Monday, he called three times, but my phone was in Dad's car, and I couldn't get to it until the next day. By then, he was depressed and moody, and I was having to explain why I couldn't answer - because these things are, by default, my fault. By the end of the week, I was purposely ignoring his calls, and he was getting pissed off about it, before I finally got frustrated and told him that he was going to have to take some freaking responsibility for doing the exact same thing to me, and that I wasn't like every other girl; I wasn't constantly attached to my phone at all hours of the day, and hate calling people that I KNOW are going to chew me out.

But apparently, he doesn't get that.
And now he's still kind of tagging along.
And I'm so tired of this whole 'good boy, loved by all' thing he's pulling.
In fact, I'm tired of the entire situation.

And yeah. I know that I should just come out and tell him to back off and that we're not dating (which is another story - he apparently thinks we are now, though he told me we weren't?), and that it's not going to happen. I know, I know, I know. And yep. My stupid fault in the first place. Again, I know.

But. I'm kind of lost."

Because someone wanted to know.

Dear Stephenie, Pt. 4

Dear Mrs. Meyer,

YOU ARE IN DEEP TROUBLE, AND I CAN'T TELL YOU WHY BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE READ THIS BLOG.

But to be clear, I hated your book.

Not, like, because of an incident that happened - I was more than okay with most of those (side note: CONTENT?!) - it was just... The style. The tone. BELLA.

I'm very mad at you right now, because now I'm in love with a Patriot.

Love,
Lauren.

Just Another Day in Pardoxland. :D

So.

It's been a while.

Well, okay. Three, four, five days tops. But really, who's counting?

Anywhoo, I just wanted to drop this little gem off:

Edward: "Do you want me to sing to you? I'll sing all night if it will keep the bad dreams away."

DO YOU REALIZE HOW CLOSE WE ARE?!

&faint;

Quit. Please.

I'm ranting for a minute, about everything. Ignore it, because seriously, none of these are about you all. You are the most dependent people I know.

First of all, I'm tired of being used and thrown away, only to be dragged back out when I'm starting to get used to something. I thought I had it all figured out, but then I slipped to the one person I knew I could tell anything to, they vanished because of that and who I was in the first place, and then right as I was getting used to having the one I slipped about by my side in everything, they left.

Only, of course, to show up days later, blaming me partially, and claiming that they've tried.

It's not like I don't believe them - which, I'm not saying I do - but please don't ASK me if I still love you, and don't come in and try to talk to me like you did before. I'm so shy, and no one gets that. It's assumed I'll be there to take the lead and make things right.

The person who slipped away was, face it, Lauren, the only person in the world who made you feel absolutely gorgeous and embarassed and interesting. It doesn't matter what any of these other people are saying, it's the one that got to know you from the inside, out, that made it real. I'm actually going to have to vouch on the idea that yeah, they knew you better than anyone.

Why didn't you say everything? Why WON'T you say everything?

Actually, nevermind. I know the answer to that one: Because they wouldn't read it, and wouldn't distinctly care. They're TRYING not to, and since the only way of contacting them is negotiable in the first place, there are ways to make sure they never see my NAME again.

I'm so lost and confused and swamped with things that keep me crying at night, but I can't tell anyone, because I'm Lauren. I'm the girl who smiles when there's nothing to smile for. I'm the one that works her ass off to make sure some freak isn't going to hurt their friends. I'm the listener, which is how I like it. Why change that for one thing, even if I know I would change completely if they - he - told me to? I LIKE who I am, unlike most girls my age, and I'll be damned if I'm going to turn into some kind of disaster child that needs everyone's support and love. I can work things out myself, and I'm so happy that I can.

However, this is new, and somewhere out in left feild. I'm working on it, but running there is taking some painful amount of time.

I had to write him today. I'll send it on the twenty-first. It's a tiny birthday thing, that says absolutely none of what I want it to say. I even tried to be funny.

Anyway, it will be worth it if he reads it.

I've changed lately, I've noticed. Become more paranoid, I guess. Everytime someone says, like that ever-so-familiar person, 'Nevermind...' or 'Forget it.', it makes me crazy and I want to yell and scream and tell them that forgetting or ignoring or NEVER MINDING is a HORRIBLE thing to do, and that will get you nowhere you want to go. Things were meant to be remembered, some told, and because of things that weren't told, I'm insane.

At the same time, I've noticed other people going paranoid, and it makes me want to be completely disconnected from the rest of the world, save this blog. I get little MySpace notes about how 'Are We Okay, Because I Moved Down on Your Top Friends' and 'You're Beautiful, I Hope You Go Out With Me Someday'.

I don't care if I'm beautiful. I want to be attractive - and not just in the way of beauty. That couldn't matter less. And God forbid I be horrible at taking compliments anyway... Ugh.

NOTICE, PEOPLE: LAUREN IS NOT TO FIGHT OVER.

I'm not one for being the center of conflict, or one to take all this pressure from kids that know exactly what I mean by 'no,' but choose to run with the money anyway.

Since when, anyway, does Top Friends mean anything about how much you think of someone?

And then, as all of this verbal crap is piling high, I'm going to be sent to both a cardiologist (something's wrong because I keep feeling like I'm going to pass out, and can't breathe right) and the Oral Surgeon. I have NEVER been so scared of the results of some simple tests the cardiologist is going to run, or the needle and pain that will result from the mouth surgery.

But again, no one knows how big of a deal that is, and the singular person who would calm me the hell down, is gone.

I guess, generally, I wish the world would speak what it meant, and mean what it spoke. I don't, even. No one does. We're all so guilty of that.

Today, I decided that I don't like to be in like. I don't like going through like to get to love. I want nothing to do with the mushy compliments and sweet guestures of a doting boyfriend.

I want the understanding of it all, and I want the final feeling. I want it forever.

I don't want to date. I don't want to date. I don't want to date.

I want to meet up and laugh and feel happy and loved and...

Yeah. That's it.

About the Blog.

Due to some unforseen circumstances...

IT WILL BE UP SOON.

Hah, I forgot to finish putting it up last night.

Another Day Survived.

So I guess all that's left to do is finish up the notebook and post Clara's latest blog (which should be up, by the time you read this).

I might be going to hang out with the two Jakes Friday.

We start filming soon.

Bahaha.

I hate freaking out over stupid things.

I feel... Well, stupid... after doing so. :)

STEPHENIE MEYER IS PUTTING UP QUOTES FROM BD. GO SEE.

Dear Lovely Arzys.

Quit being a pansy.
I miss you.
Talk to me.
Keep me sane.
Make me feel okay.
Stop the mad thing.
I don't know what I did.
I don't know what you did.
I don't know about anything.
Explain?

Love,
Lauren.

This Won't Break Your Heart...

I haven't posted in FOREVER, but a lot of sad things have happened, and a lot of unsure things, and I've made a lot of friends and lost a lot of people that were close to me because of who I am.

That didn't sound emo. Haha.

No, but really, it's not as bad as it sounds. I'm fine, we're all fine, but it gives me something to worry over.

Anywho, I don't have much to write.

This song* makes me cry:

This won't break your heart
But I just think it could
Cause I haven't tried as hard as I should
To separate you from everything I do
But I would never want to come between us two

I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me

I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me

Now I'm thinking back
To what I said before
I hope your heart won't have to hurt anymore
Cause it's really not that sad from here
Because the moments I can feel you near
They keep you close to me my dear
And if they ever become too clear...

I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me

I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me

Now you've gone away
Don't worry it's ok
That you're gone away
Further than yesterday
But you'll never leave these scenes
My mind replays

I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me

I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me

I'll keep your memory vague, So you won't feel bad about me
(Where in the world have you gone now? )
I'll say the things that you said, Sometimes so it reminds me
(Where in the world have you gone now? )
Sometimes so it reminds me

I'll keep your memory vague, So you won't feel bad about me
(Where in the world have you gone now? )
I'll say the things that you said, Sometimes so it reminds me
(Where in the world have you gone now? )
Sometimes so it reminds me


(* ---That song was 'I'll Keep Your Memory Vague' by Finger Eleven.)

I Miss You All!

I'll be back on Saturday night, really late, so I might miss most of you online, but I will talk to you ASAP.
This is the first time I've been on the computer in a week. I'm dying.

Anywho,
nothing much to update that can't be said later,

So
HASTA LUEGO!
SEE YOU SOON!

Love,
Lauren.

...Would You Do it Like That?

I'm officially on vacation!
YEAHHHH!

I love you all, and I'll try my hardest to take a bahillion pictures. San Antonio, HERE I COME.

Be prepared, Shamu. Be fricking prepared.

Also, if I can update at any time while I'm over there, you know I will.

Lauren ----> three plus one, zero, fingers on your right hand -DASH- six plus one, the number before seven, zero plus one, -DASH- ten minus one, rhymes with sleven, the same number as the previous one, one finger plus another eight.

That's my number. Text me, call me, leave me pretty voicemails. I'm all for it.

When She Does It Like This...

I woke up this morning to the sound of my beautiful new phone screaming a line out of a Monty Python movie. I pick up said phone and wonder who's texting me at seven AM in the Summer's weekday, and...

Yep. Danny.

"Just thinking about you is making me smile so big my cheeks hurt."

I'm sitting there, half-awake, delerious, and grinning like an idiot for about five minutes before I pass out again.

7:30.

*Phwap! A message for you, sir!*

I groan and cry and finally sit up and open up my phone, and start to laugh in one of those, this isn't funny, but it's too early not to laugh, ways.

"Goodmorning, sweetheart. Give me a call when you wake up. I miss you."

I melted.

--

To clear things up, because I was a little smitten last night, we're not dating or anything. He's been hurt a lot by many, and I've never done anything like this at all, so he came right out and said he wanted to take it slow and have fun.

I was totally there.

Anyway, he was going to ask me to spend the Fourth with him, but forgot I was going to be gone, and Amanda was telling me that "He looked like he was going to cry when you left!"

He was telling me that he was kind of confused, because nothing this spontaneous had ever happened like this - OR, as a matter of fact, made him act all crazy-stupid.

Those were his words. Crazy-stupid. He said no one's been able to do that to him in a whole two weeks of actually liking them.

I think I've fallen for this boy.

--

And because I can't shut up about this...

We were talking about vacation and he was giving me all this advice about how to dress and to wear sunscreen (hothothot there.), just so I wouldn't get a burn, so that he could hug me as hard as he wanted to when I got back.

And then, he was talking about wearing light colors and everything, and said "Oh, hey, also, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON. I don't want any other guys trying to hook up with you."

I about cried, I was laughing so hard, but told him that it wasn't a problem.

Weird Stuff.

I think that, for once, I said yes.

Kind of.

But he never really asked, it just kind of happened once we established that we're both going a little crazy.

Umm. His name's Danny, and he's eighteen. I've known him since I was six and he was eight. We used to be the closest thing to best friends that a girl of six can have.

One of my friends doesn't trust him, and advised me to 'stay away from drinking much, because if I was used and abused, he'd have to haul ass to Oklahoma to kill someone'.

But you know, we'll see, I guess. I can't be safe/sorry forever.

Also, he's adorable and funny and sweet.
And I used to have a huge crush on him, but it really didn't seem likely.

I almost can't wait to get back from San Antonio now, just because of him. This is some strange stuff.

Okay. That's him and his sister. She just had a baby - a girl - and it's middle name is Danielle, after Danny. I swear, I've never seen anyone be so excited about something like that; he's through the roof. :)

I have good and bad feelings, but you know what, I'm going to try and ride this one out until the end. He's a sweetheart.

New Phase Of Life.

This has to be a new phase of life. Seriously. If it's not, I quit.

I've had a total of FOUR people admit that they like me in the last week. What's going on? I've BEEN here!

Anyway, one of them's eighteen (David), one of them's nineteen (Danny!), one of them's seventeen (Jake), and the other one is sixteen (Daniel).

DO YOU SEE WHY I'M PANICKING?

Not only this, but Jessica messaged me today and asked why I hadn't told her that I'd liked David. Apparently, he's been going around saying that we like each other and that he wants to date me, without mentioning that it's not happening now, or anytime very soon.

Ugh.

Anyway, my stress-laden friend who I finally got to talk to me -and he will from now on, or else- was talking about something, and we ended up on the subject of the above, which he thought was abso-frigging-loutely hilarious. When I told him one of them was nineteen, he kind of paused, then said "Isn't that illegal?" which, as far as I can think, isn't, if you're not DOING anything. Otherwise, it would basically suck to date when you're seventeen, eh? So now he claims he's coming from GA to steal me before anyone else, and that I'm taking him out on dates and paying for all of his meals, since the gas alone to get here will leave him broke.

Ha, ha. Very funny.

Oh! Right! I'm owing some people some information:

For everyone who asked, the date started out as a 'hey, do you want to hang out?' thing, and then, after being captured in the car, I was alerted to the fact that, yep, it was a date. We went to the Dollar Theatre, hung out, watched Crappy Movie of the Century, I went and met his sister and brother-in-law, and then Chris and David took me home. It was fun, but it was weird, and I don't feel like the same person after dating. Dear Lord.

THE REAL LAUREN WILL SURVIVE!

Also, I found out that my name 'is the coolest sounding name ever', since you pronounce it "LA-rhen" instead of "LOR-en." A lot of people down here can't say it, so my date night included a lot of funny words that were supposed to sound like my name.

Oh, well. They tried.