MISS YOU ALL LIKE CRAZY!
See you back on Saturday!
I'll be sixteen - FINALLY!
;]
Happy 2010!
16 years ago
6.15.2008
6.14.2008
A Letter That Will Never Go,
I'd like you to know that you're morally corrupt, you have the most crude view on things, and you're...
Well, you're the best thing.
So learn a little about Anne Frank before we go, okay? And the bombing. Definetely that. Learn that maybe his intentions killed more than you thought, and maybe put yourself in a father or mother's shoes that had to stand by the TV and pray for days until there was no trace of a life.
And maybe, since your goodbyes are longer, and the tingling sensation stronger, we'll be fine.
You remind me of my friend. He's about your age, but he kind of went away. I won't tell you about that, though. That one stings a little bit too much to pull the band-aid off on.
You don't expect much, and I love it.
I also love the way you denied it, and then came at it a little bit one time, and a little more the next. You're cracking, and it's intense, I know, but I can take it.
My jokes may make no sense,
but you're the enigma.
Well, you're the best thing.
So learn a little about Anne Frank before we go, okay? And the bombing. Definetely that. Learn that maybe his intentions killed more than you thought, and maybe put yourself in a father or mother's shoes that had to stand by the TV and pray for days until there was no trace of a life.
And maybe, since your goodbyes are longer, and the tingling sensation stronger, we'll be fine.
You remind me of my friend. He's about your age, but he kind of went away. I won't tell you about that, though. That one stings a little bit too much to pull the band-aid off on.
You don't expect much, and I love it.
I also love the way you denied it, and then came at it a little bit one time, and a little more the next. You're cracking, and it's intense, I know, but I can take it.
My jokes may make no sense,
but you're the enigma.
6.13.2008
What a Night.
One single person made this night amazing.
Remember the nineteen-year-old (Julio)?
I tell him everything.
Nothing against any of you, but I mean, he's a guy, and he's THE fairytale guy, and basically, I can talk to him about any guys and he'll critique.
Well, I told him about the 'hey, I guess Morgan's not a bad guy thing', and he about lost it. But instead of the "YOU'RE GOING TO BE FRIENDS WITH THAT JERK?!", his response was:
"Are you still crazy about him?"
I kind of jogged around it, but said (shutup) yes, kind of still.
And I did my whole little "But it won't be the same, we're friends and thank God for that, blahblahblah" thing. You have all heard this.
He told me that I was BSing him.
And so then I launch into this huge thing about how much he loves her and the fact that I couldn't end that.
Which is when he said: "That could've been you."
And I said no, it couldn't have, and when he asked why, went into explaining how and why I was so scared of hurting people.
And then he said the first awe-striking line of the night: "Are you afraid he would want you to have sex with him or something, because if what you're telling me about before all the rumor crap, I promise you that he would wait. Dedication doesn't die."
I was like Oh.
And then I said no, that wasn't why, but that anyway, it didn't matter, because he was with someone he genuinely cared about.
"So you're just going to sit back and suffer?"
Um. No!
Which is when I pulled the, "look, someone has to be me" card.
But he kept calling me out, time after time, and telling me that I was being a moron and that I wasn't convincing him that I actually meant what I was saying.
In the middle of everything, I started to cry.
THAT was a weird feeling.
I kept thinking "What an asshole!"
And finally, the time that I told him I was overly scared, he said:
"I like you because you're interesting and unique. You're not like anyone else I've ever talked to."
Pause.
"But you? Scared? That makes you just as insignifigant as everyone else."
I kid you not, I gaped at the screen for a minute.
I had no comeback for once, you know it? But that's one of those lines that I'll never forget. The only thought going through my mind was 'ARE YOU KIDDING ME?'
I was mad.
And started crying a little harder. :/
"I have to be brutally honest with you. That really could be you. But you missed it. You screwed up. And you have to face that mistake, because you may have just missed out on the best thing in your life."
Oh, wow.
I was floored.
Because that was when I realized that he was very incredibly right. I hurt myself, and no kind of being nice or getting over it and moving on was going to help. Would you believe that he even chastened me for wanting to move on, because I would be cheating a guy out of a girl who didn't love him? Would you believe that he told me that I was lying to myself?
He told me it was okay to hate him, and that he would understand.
But I could only say thank you.
-LATER,
we were joking around, and he was like, "I would go to church camp with you, but I wouldn't make it one day. I'd question everything."
And I just said "Well, hey, at least you lasted a day."
And he said, "But in that one day, I don't think I could do what I want to do."
Me: "...What's that?"
"I want to do something in one day that no one's done in seven years."
I was up until FOUR in the AM trying to work it out of him. He made me work for it, but gave me clues that ended up narrowing it down to relating to two options, each happening in third grade:
(You should know this...)
Number one: Bad clothing.
Number two: My only ex-boyfriend.
I was kind of scared to know, but wanting to find out if he meant what I thought.
HE DIDN'T GIVE IN.
So finally, I got tired, and was like "Okay. Fine. You want to come to camp to get me to go out with you?"
And he was like "Too late. I said it was over. You'll never find out now. But anyway, you were close. Not right, exactly, but closer than nothing."
We talked forever.
Eventually, he signed off, but his last words we're "PS: You were right, and you know it. Smartass."
Ha.
I can feel so empty, and so gifted, ALL AT FRIGGING ONCE.
But it's weird.
I feel a lot better,
and I didn't know I felt bad.
Remember the nineteen-year-old (Julio)?
I tell him everything.
Nothing against any of you, but I mean, he's a guy, and he's THE fairytale guy, and basically, I can talk to him about any guys and he'll critique.
Well, I told him about the 'hey, I guess Morgan's not a bad guy thing', and he about lost it. But instead of the "YOU'RE GOING TO BE FRIENDS WITH THAT JERK?!", his response was:
"Are you still crazy about him?"
I kind of jogged around it, but said (shutup) yes, kind of still.
And I did my whole little "But it won't be the same, we're friends and thank God for that, blahblahblah" thing. You have all heard this.
He told me that I was BSing him.
And so then I launch into this huge thing about how much he loves her and the fact that I couldn't end that.
Which is when he said: "That could've been you."
And I said no, it couldn't have, and when he asked why, went into explaining how and why I was so scared of hurting people.
And then he said the first awe-striking line of the night: "Are you afraid he would want you to have sex with him or something, because if what you're telling me about before all the rumor crap, I promise you that he would wait. Dedication doesn't die."
I was like Oh.
And then I said no, that wasn't why, but that anyway, it didn't matter, because he was with someone he genuinely cared about.
"So you're just going to sit back and suffer?"
Um. No!
Which is when I pulled the, "look, someone has to be me" card.
But he kept calling me out, time after time, and telling me that I was being a moron and that I wasn't convincing him that I actually meant what I was saying.
In the middle of everything, I started to cry.
THAT was a weird feeling.
I kept thinking "What an asshole!"
And finally, the time that I told him I was overly scared, he said:
"I like you because you're interesting and unique. You're not like anyone else I've ever talked to."
Pause.
"But you? Scared? That makes you just as insignifigant as everyone else."
I kid you not, I gaped at the screen for a minute.
I had no comeback for once, you know it? But that's one of those lines that I'll never forget. The only thought going through my mind was 'ARE YOU KIDDING ME?'
I was mad.
And started crying a little harder. :/
"I have to be brutally honest with you. That really could be you. But you missed it. You screwed up. And you have to face that mistake, because you may have just missed out on the best thing in your life."
Oh, wow.
I was floored.
Because that was when I realized that he was very incredibly right. I hurt myself, and no kind of being nice or getting over it and moving on was going to help. Would you believe that he even chastened me for wanting to move on, because I would be cheating a guy out of a girl who didn't love him? Would you believe that he told me that I was lying to myself?
He told me it was okay to hate him, and that he would understand.
But I could only say thank you.
-LATER,
we were joking around, and he was like, "I would go to church camp with you, but I wouldn't make it one day. I'd question everything."
And I just said "Well, hey, at least you lasted a day."
And he said, "But in that one day, I don't think I could do what I want to do."
Me: "...What's that?"
"I want to do something in one day that no one's done in seven years."
I was up until FOUR in the AM trying to work it out of him. He made me work for it, but gave me clues that ended up narrowing it down to relating to two options, each happening in third grade:
(You should know this...)
Number one: Bad clothing.
Number two: My only ex-boyfriend.
I was kind of scared to know, but wanting to find out if he meant what I thought.
HE DIDN'T GIVE IN.
So finally, I got tired, and was like "Okay. Fine. You want to come to camp to get me to go out with you?"
And he was like "Too late. I said it was over. You'll never find out now. But anyway, you were close. Not right, exactly, but closer than nothing."
We talked forever.
Eventually, he signed off, but his last words we're "PS: You were right, and you know it. Smartass."
Ha.
I can feel so empty, and so gifted, ALL AT FRIGGING ONCE.
But it's weird.
I feel a lot better,
and I didn't know I felt bad.
6.12.2008
Hope.
A girl I haven't seen since the end of school (so about a month ago) had a profile set up. I tried to friend her, but I couldn't, so I just stuck to looking at her blog entries.
She's very deep, and very... innocent in herself?
Her latest blog was on June sixth, called "Things are Looking Up." In it, all she had typed was, "Things are looking up." then a couple spaces and ".....odd..........".
But neither of those concerned me as much as the last one did, lower than the others, almost out of sight:
"yayforfalsehope"
For some reason, this struck me as completely unreasonable. Hope - false? I had heard those three words so many times, and yet it took one simple post with no more than nine words in it to show me that something was so wrong with that statement.
And then I scrolled down.
There were no comments.
Where her friends had commented in-depth on all of her other detailed blogs, this simple one was left without a word.
I almost commented.
But then, I didn't know what to say.
When it did come to me, it was short and true, and almost seemed too personal for the public's eyes.
I wrote it down, edited it twice, and sent it.
Maybe she'll understand where I was coming from.
---
She's very deep, and very... innocent in herself?
Her latest blog was on June sixth, called "Things are Looking Up." In it, all she had typed was, "Things are looking up." then a couple spaces and ".....odd..........".
But neither of those concerned me as much as the last one did, lower than the others, almost out of sight:
"yayforfalsehope"
For some reason, this struck me as completely unreasonable. Hope - false? I had heard those three words so many times, and yet it took one simple post with no more than nine words in it to show me that something was so wrong with that statement.
And then I scrolled down.
There were no comments.
Where her friends had commented in-depth on all of her other detailed blogs, this simple one was left without a word.
I almost commented.
But then, I didn't know what to say.
When it did come to me, it was short and true, and almost seemed too personal for the public's eyes.
I wrote it down, edited it twice, and sent it.
Maybe she'll understand where I was coming from.
---
6.09.2008
They Exist.
I play this online game.
I have some friends across the country on it.
One of them is from GA, and he's nineteen.
He's also INCREDBILY smart, and for some reason, thinks that I'm interesting. He tells me that.
But moving forward.
We talk about some really random things - things that usually delve into deep discussions about deeper things. And for some reason, yesterday, we got to talking about dating.
Oh, I remember now. He was asking me why I didn't date.
But anyway, we got on the subject of how he asked girls out - I think it may have been me joking, or whatever, but we were there.
His answer was stunning - "I've never asked a girl out in my entire life."
So naturally, I'm like "WHY NOT?!"
And he told me that it was hard to explain, so he was going to give me an example.
"There was this girl that I really liked in eleventh grade. One day, I casually invited her to a party."
I'm sitting there thinking, yeah, cool.
"And after a while, I asked her if she wanted to 'get out of there' - like I was trying to be a douche and get in her pants, or something"
Lauren: ?!?! NOO!
"So we leave, and I drive her down to this beach, and we watch the sunrise together."
And, get this, girls, he didn't do anything to her sexually. He said he wants to kind of seem like a cliche, but be as different as he possibly can be. And no lie, he said, and I quote,
"I want to make them love themselves a little more, just to realize that I love them, too."
He has NEVER asked a girl out, because he has never had to. He lets it happen.
I'm in awe.
---
On another note, same subject, we played this game, where we asked kindergarten questions, and his favorite color is a dark shade of Teal.
Why?
"Because supposedly we dream in black and white, and teal is the only color I can remember from my dreams."
---
I find it incredibly rad that I'm friends with the only storybook guy in the world.
I also think it's rad he's not pushing anything more than friends.
HE'S INSANELY PERFECT.
SOMEONE SNAG HIM! :)
I have some friends across the country on it.
One of them is from GA, and he's nineteen.
He's also INCREDBILY smart, and for some reason, thinks that I'm interesting. He tells me that.
But moving forward.
We talk about some really random things - things that usually delve into deep discussions about deeper things. And for some reason, yesterday, we got to talking about dating.
Oh, I remember now. He was asking me why I didn't date.
But anyway, we got on the subject of how he asked girls out - I think it may have been me joking, or whatever, but we were there.
His answer was stunning - "I've never asked a girl out in my entire life."
So naturally, I'm like "WHY NOT?!"
And he told me that it was hard to explain, so he was going to give me an example.
"There was this girl that I really liked in eleventh grade. One day, I casually invited her to a party."
I'm sitting there thinking, yeah, cool.
"And after a while, I asked her if she wanted to 'get out of there' - like I was trying to be a douche and get in her pants, or something"
Lauren: ?!?! NOO!
"So we leave, and I drive her down to this beach, and we watch the sunrise together."
And, get this, girls, he didn't do anything to her sexually. He said he wants to kind of seem like a cliche, but be as different as he possibly can be. And no lie, he said, and I quote,
"I want to make them love themselves a little more, just to realize that I love them, too."
He has NEVER asked a girl out, because he has never had to. He lets it happen.
I'm in awe.
---
On another note, same subject, we played this game, where we asked kindergarten questions, and his favorite color is a dark shade of Teal.
Why?
"Because supposedly we dream in black and white, and teal is the only color I can remember from my dreams."
---
I find it incredibly rad that I'm friends with the only storybook guy in the world.
I also think it's rad he's not pushing anything more than friends.
HE'S INSANELY PERFECT.
SOMEONE SNAG HIM! :)
6.07.2008
Alright, OPHELIA!!!
It's three AM.
But I'm so incredibly hyper.
Although it's not the Talon story, it's a story, and Ophelia, the Goddess of Yeah Whatever's, and her brother, the God of This Sucks Let's Kill it, have bestowed on me the luxuory of being able to write it.
(Tease: It's not Fantasy, all the names actually came to me spontaneously, and every character in it so far should be under arrest.)
DO YOU HEAR THIS?! NO MORE CANADA!
Writer's Block ends NOW.
Also, Katie, move your butt along on that WR post. I can't contain myself. ;)
But I'm so incredibly hyper.
Although it's not the Talon story, it's a story, and Ophelia, the Goddess of Yeah Whatever's, and her brother, the God of This Sucks Let's Kill it, have bestowed on me the luxuory of being able to write it.
(Tease: It's not Fantasy, all the names actually came to me spontaneously, and every character in it so far should be under arrest.)
DO YOU HEAR THIS?! NO MORE CANADA!
Writer's Block ends NOW.
Also, Katie, move your butt along on that WR post. I can't contain myself. ;)
6.06.2008
ERAGON IS BOMB.
Edward Speelers, right?
NO.
EDWARD FLIPPING SPEELERS!!!!!!!!
Ow.
When did he actually become all that appealing?
Because as far as I can remember,
he wasn't.
Hmmm...
NO.
EDWARD FLIPPING SPEELERS!!!!!!!!
Ow.
When did he actually become all that appealing?
Because as far as I can remember,
he wasn't.
Hmmm...
6.02.2008
What Would've Happened - A Very Bad Draft.
So I realize that no one was happy with the Clara thing that happened. But to show you that "people" were, in fact, vouching for survival and some kind of demented happiness, here's the second or third try that got written up - something that has nothing to do with the story anymore, so Don't Even Go There.
------------
I could sit here and watch him for hours. Chest rising and falling, so calmly, only every now and then breaking into a cold sweat and, ranging on how bad his dreams were, would scream, cry, whisper, or sob out words with no sense.
His pain filled me, but when I would sit there and choke, almost physically go blind, it made me feel like maybe I was taking some of it - if even the tiniest uncountable fraction - from him.
Numerous times, Jasper had been called in when he wasn't busy with Alice or other business that he was trying to settle into, just so I could get some sleep, but that was before the fall-out, and before I was on my own. The only person who remotely tries to help is Carlisle, but we're on some tough speaking terms right now. I think the only reason I'm around him is that he's around Zach, and even then, we both tense up and I have to fight the slight tug of emotional pain he's feeling.
It started a couple of days back, and I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but every single one of them has started something with me in these past few days.
Alright, maybe I mean it.
Sunday morning, Carlisle came in during chapel hours - something I was firmly against going to, on behalf of the whole 'dead-vampire-who-almost-killed-her-fiance' thing. He checked Zach's vitals and gave me a summarized update of what was going on. Compared to the other weeks that I'd been sitting here, nothing was different except the ferocity of his nightmares and the longer periods of lucidity he was experiencing, unfortunately, all under doctors watch, so I couldn't talk or go near him...
"No, where is she?! Where's Clara?"
God, it killed sometimes...
"KEEP THEM AWAY! YOU HAVE TO KEEP THEM AW-!"
And other times, it just felt like I was stabbed over and over.
"Clara, we need to talk." Carlisle said.
I glanced up at him worriedly.
"There's no problem with Zach," he said calmly, answering the unspoken question. "I just need to talk about you for a few minutes."
He adusted his pants legs and sat in the chair across from me as I moved my feet out of it. "You've been in this room for almost three months," he said carefully. "You've been waiting this thing out, and don't get me wrong, that's extremely commendable."
I just watched him. Something was bugging him, and he didn't want to say it.
"But Clara, what if he's messed up after this? What if he never wakes up? What if it's years and years before he even bothers to open his eyes for even half a day?"
"Years and years are nothing." I said, my voice dry.
"No, they're not." He frowned and took off the spectacles resting on the edge of his nose, looking down at the floor. "And I refuse to believe that there aren't people out there that are completely smitten with you and how you..."
"I can't even go back to school, Carlisle," I said angrily. "There's not a single person that I can think of who would like to even be around me right now."
Carlisle sighed, and there was a slight tapping at the door. Both of us looked up to see Edward peering in, cautious.
"Can I have a word?" he asked me, Carlisle practically jumping to his own feet.
I remembered Bella's words: "The doctor was in on it..." They didn't escape my memory, and I knew it was no coincidence Edward had stepped in. He settled down as Carlisle left, although across the room, on the other side of Zach.
"How is he?" he wondered aloud, his tawny eyes running over the monitors.
"He's better. Always better."
Edward stared at me, his eyes shockingly brutal, and I couldn't meet his glance.
"Are you still wearing his ring?" he asked finally, breaking the silence.
I swallowed, and then narrowed my eyes in his direction. "You have eyes, don't you?"
"Yes, I guess I do." he murmered.
I knew he hadn't been asking me about the ring in particular - but why I wasn't wearing it. It was lying on the uppermost drawer of the hospital chest that was at the back of Zach's room, wrapped up in tissue paper. It hadn't felt right wearing it without him to claim ownership to it.
I was becoming a prominent member in the 'hate life' society.
"Carlisle talked to me about Zach."
My heart sank. He was going to bring up the small fact disclosed to me only the week before that had made me take off the ring and be so careful around Zach.
"Oh?"
"Yes." Edward paused. "He told me that Zach may not be the same after this incident, and that he may not..." he hesitated.
"Not want me." I said blandly.
"Right... Are you okay, Clara?"
I groaned. "Use your eyes, Ed. I'm not exactly diving into a pool of unrequitted happiness right now. If you're talking about with Zach - about rethinking my promise - I'm fine."
"Mm." he replied, and we sat there for a few more minutes.
And then, "I have someone that I'd like you to meet, Clara, if you'll give him a chance."
There was a chilling silence and my eyes shot over at him, appalled.
"He's a great guy, and you need to get out a little, at lea..."
"I'm not dating."
"Clara..."
"What happened," I started, my voice raising of it's own accord, "to understanding and patience and all those things you FED to me about how reasonable I was acting? What happened to waiting with me, sitting with me, praying and hoping and talking about him?"
He frowned. "There's absolutely NO reason to get defensive abou..."
"THERE DAMNED WELL IS A REASON TO GET DEFENSIVE."
Edward stood up and threw back his chair against the wall, the corner of a plastic edge embedding into the cold white walls, his face deforming into a mask of rage brought on by impatience and stress, most of which I had been causing lately.
"The ENTIRE family knows you're HURTING, CLARA! It's about time you take some ADVICE instead of being IGNORANT!"
I gawked at him. "You got the family involved?!"
He crossed his arms stonily. "You wouldn't listen any other way."
I said a word that I don't even want to write that I said and fought the urge to kick someone.
"WHAT ELSE WERE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!" he exclaimed, furious.
"Back the hell off? Pull your head out of your ASS?"
"Oh, very mature, Clara." He said mockingly. "I see we're back to the realistic options in this situation."
I screamed angrily and threw up my hands before I was gone, off in the middle of LaPush, shaking and crying, cussing and screaming.
Eventually, Dhart came over and draped an arm over me, both of us pulled down into the very edge of the shoreline.
"Dammit," I said sadly.
He sighed. "Yeah. I know."
"He wasn't being harsh." A cool voice said from back behind us, on the hill. We both turned around.
Jasper.
"I don't want to talk to you." I said calmly, knowing he would hear me. He just laughed and shook his head. "No," I said pointedly, "I mean it."
"Clara, come on..." He sounded confused. "It was just something that the family had wanted for you, since Zach's not going to be..." He faded off and sent cooling blasts of erie calmness washing over me, causing even more irritation, before he turned slightly and headed off with a purpose.
"Nonononono... Oh, no..."
Dhart looked at me worriedly. "Excuse me?"
"He knows something I don't." I whispered, hurting. "Oh, my God."
We were back at the hospital, looking at the building in five minutes.
"They're in there," I warned him. "The entire..."
"Family?" He filled in. I nodded bitterly, and he just shrugged. "I'm here, Clara. You're facin' up for Zach, and I'm not going to make you do it alone."
I smiled... Well, as much of a smile as would come. Even his friends were perfect.
"Thanks."
He nodded, and we took our time getting in. Steps slower than a normal human would take took us up stairs instead of the elevator, and through the six hallways (four lefts, two rights) it was to Zach's room.
I took a breath and opened the door.
And there they were.
All eyes were fixed on me, some of them with fury, some with compassion, others with tired indifference.
"I'm not going." Blatantly, I stated that fact. I wasn't going anywhere.
"It's just a date," Rosalie said, put off.
"I'm engaged to someone who's not dead. Whether I choose to show that or not is my choice, too, so don't you dare bring up the ring."
Carlisle cleared his throat, Esme patting his knee.
"We recieved some bad news this morning, sweetheart." he looked around, and for once, all eyes were on him. "Um... Zachary's uncle, Falton Stewart, knows about the whole wolf thing, and also specializes in comatose patients..."
"Zach's going to New York." Emmett said, looking pitiful.
Edward shot him a look, but Carlisle kept looking at me.
"I don't understand." I said carefully.
"His uncle has reserved a private, no-visitors room in the highest possible care anyone in the nation can offer, and to take advantage of this, Zach must be air-lifted to Albany."
"I'm going, too."
He swallowed.
"Oh, my God. Why am I not allowed to?"
"It's a private room, honey, and his uncle hates our kind. Most of the time, Zach's going to be in therapy sessions or-"
"JESUS!" someone exclaimed - a voice, hurting.
A sudden pain ripped through me and I was instantly by his side.
Zach's eyes were closed, tears streaking down his face, his hands clenched into fists by his temples. "Please, oh my God, please make it stop..."
"Ssshhh..." I said, whimpering. "Shhh. It will be okay, it will go away soon, I promise.
A swarm of Cullens, Hales, and Dhart all around him.
"CLARA!" he suddenly exclaimed, and his eyes peeled open. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.
He looked straight at me - straight into what felt like a million years of knowing me, and said, "Where is she?!"
"Who?" I asked, confused, on the verge of laughing.
"Clara! I need her! I need CLARA!"
I let go of his hand and choked.
I fell to my knees on the floor and everything inside me scrunched up and screamed. I was bawling, uncontrollably, while Zach kept hollering for someone to get Clara; to get his fiancee.
I think I gagged twice. Maybe three times. Only Emmett would know. He's the one that picked me up and carried me out into the hallway. He sat there and held me close and talked to me about nothing that I could comprehend, and looked like he was going to cry too.
"He doesn't know!" I remember crying.
"He will, Clare... He's got to know."
---
Obviously, now, it makes no sense. I kind of feel for it anyway, and I know it probably would've been more humane, but it's just kind of 'outta there' Clara-wise.
OH, fanfictiondrama.
------------
I could sit here and watch him for hours. Chest rising and falling, so calmly, only every now and then breaking into a cold sweat and, ranging on how bad his dreams were, would scream, cry, whisper, or sob out words with no sense.
His pain filled me, but when I would sit there and choke, almost physically go blind, it made me feel like maybe I was taking some of it - if even the tiniest uncountable fraction - from him.
Numerous times, Jasper had been called in when he wasn't busy with Alice or other business that he was trying to settle into, just so I could get some sleep, but that was before the fall-out, and before I was on my own. The only person who remotely tries to help is Carlisle, but we're on some tough speaking terms right now. I think the only reason I'm around him is that he's around Zach, and even then, we both tense up and I have to fight the slight tug of emotional pain he's feeling.
It started a couple of days back, and I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but every single one of them has started something with me in these past few days.
Alright, maybe I mean it.
Sunday morning, Carlisle came in during chapel hours - something I was firmly against going to, on behalf of the whole 'dead-vampire-who-almost-killed-her-fiance' thing. He checked Zach's vitals and gave me a summarized update of what was going on. Compared to the other weeks that I'd been sitting here, nothing was different except the ferocity of his nightmares and the longer periods of lucidity he was experiencing, unfortunately, all under doctors watch, so I couldn't talk or go near him...
"No, where is she?! Where's Clara?"
God, it killed sometimes...
"KEEP THEM AWAY! YOU HAVE TO KEEP THEM AW-!"
And other times, it just felt like I was stabbed over and over.
"Clara, we need to talk." Carlisle said.
I glanced up at him worriedly.
"There's no problem with Zach," he said calmly, answering the unspoken question. "I just need to talk about you for a few minutes."
He adusted his pants legs and sat in the chair across from me as I moved my feet out of it. "You've been in this room for almost three months," he said carefully. "You've been waiting this thing out, and don't get me wrong, that's extremely commendable."
I just watched him. Something was bugging him, and he didn't want to say it.
"But Clara, what if he's messed up after this? What if he never wakes up? What if it's years and years before he even bothers to open his eyes for even half a day?"
"Years and years are nothing." I said, my voice dry.
"No, they're not." He frowned and took off the spectacles resting on the edge of his nose, looking down at the floor. "And I refuse to believe that there aren't people out there that are completely smitten with you and how you..."
"I can't even go back to school, Carlisle," I said angrily. "There's not a single person that I can think of who would like to even be around me right now."
Carlisle sighed, and there was a slight tapping at the door. Both of us looked up to see Edward peering in, cautious.
"Can I have a word?" he asked me, Carlisle practically jumping to his own feet.
I remembered Bella's words: "The doctor was in on it..." They didn't escape my memory, and I knew it was no coincidence Edward had stepped in. He settled down as Carlisle left, although across the room, on the other side of Zach.
"How is he?" he wondered aloud, his tawny eyes running over the monitors.
"He's better. Always better."
Edward stared at me, his eyes shockingly brutal, and I couldn't meet his glance.
"Are you still wearing his ring?" he asked finally, breaking the silence.
I swallowed, and then narrowed my eyes in his direction. "You have eyes, don't you?"
"Yes, I guess I do." he murmered.
I knew he hadn't been asking me about the ring in particular - but why I wasn't wearing it. It was lying on the uppermost drawer of the hospital chest that was at the back of Zach's room, wrapped up in tissue paper. It hadn't felt right wearing it without him to claim ownership to it.
I was becoming a prominent member in the 'hate life' society.
"Carlisle talked to me about Zach."
My heart sank. He was going to bring up the small fact disclosed to me only the week before that had made me take off the ring and be so careful around Zach.
"Oh?"
"Yes." Edward paused. "He told me that Zach may not be the same after this incident, and that he may not..." he hesitated.
"Not want me." I said blandly.
"Right... Are you okay, Clara?"
I groaned. "Use your eyes, Ed. I'm not exactly diving into a pool of unrequitted happiness right now. If you're talking about with Zach - about rethinking my promise - I'm fine."
"Mm." he replied, and we sat there for a few more minutes.
And then, "I have someone that I'd like you to meet, Clara, if you'll give him a chance."
There was a chilling silence and my eyes shot over at him, appalled.
"He's a great guy, and you need to get out a little, at lea..."
"I'm not dating."
"Clara..."
"What happened," I started, my voice raising of it's own accord, "to understanding and patience and all those things you FED to me about how reasonable I was acting? What happened to waiting with me, sitting with me, praying and hoping and talking about him?"
He frowned. "There's absolutely NO reason to get defensive abou..."
"THERE DAMNED WELL IS A REASON TO GET DEFENSIVE."
Edward stood up and threw back his chair against the wall, the corner of a plastic edge embedding into the cold white walls, his face deforming into a mask of rage brought on by impatience and stress, most of which I had been causing lately.
"The ENTIRE family knows you're HURTING, CLARA! It's about time you take some ADVICE instead of being IGNORANT!"
I gawked at him. "You got the family involved?!"
He crossed his arms stonily. "You wouldn't listen any other way."
I said a word that I don't even want to write that I said and fought the urge to kick someone.
"WHAT ELSE WERE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!" he exclaimed, furious.
"Back the hell off? Pull your head out of your ASS?"
"Oh, very mature, Clara." He said mockingly. "I see we're back to the realistic options in this situation."
I screamed angrily and threw up my hands before I was gone, off in the middle of LaPush, shaking and crying, cussing and screaming.
Eventually, Dhart came over and draped an arm over me, both of us pulled down into the very edge of the shoreline.
"Dammit," I said sadly.
He sighed. "Yeah. I know."
"He wasn't being harsh." A cool voice said from back behind us, on the hill. We both turned around.
Jasper.
"I don't want to talk to you." I said calmly, knowing he would hear me. He just laughed and shook his head. "No," I said pointedly, "I mean it."
"Clara, come on..." He sounded confused. "It was just something that the family had wanted for you, since Zach's not going to be..." He faded off and sent cooling blasts of erie calmness washing over me, causing even more irritation, before he turned slightly and headed off with a purpose.
"Nonononono... Oh, no..."
Dhart looked at me worriedly. "Excuse me?"
"He knows something I don't." I whispered, hurting. "Oh, my God."
We were back at the hospital, looking at the building in five minutes.
"They're in there," I warned him. "The entire..."
"Family?" He filled in. I nodded bitterly, and he just shrugged. "I'm here, Clara. You're facin' up for Zach, and I'm not going to make you do it alone."
I smiled... Well, as much of a smile as would come. Even his friends were perfect.
"Thanks."
He nodded, and we took our time getting in. Steps slower than a normal human would take took us up stairs instead of the elevator, and through the six hallways (four lefts, two rights) it was to Zach's room.
I took a breath and opened the door.
And there they were.
All eyes were fixed on me, some of them with fury, some with compassion, others with tired indifference.
"I'm not going." Blatantly, I stated that fact. I wasn't going anywhere.
"It's just a date," Rosalie said, put off.
"I'm engaged to someone who's not dead. Whether I choose to show that or not is my choice, too, so don't you dare bring up the ring."
Carlisle cleared his throat, Esme patting his knee.
"We recieved some bad news this morning, sweetheart." he looked around, and for once, all eyes were on him. "Um... Zachary's uncle, Falton Stewart, knows about the whole wolf thing, and also specializes in comatose patients..."
"Zach's going to New York." Emmett said, looking pitiful.
Edward shot him a look, but Carlisle kept looking at me.
"I don't understand." I said carefully.
"His uncle has reserved a private, no-visitors room in the highest possible care anyone in the nation can offer, and to take advantage of this, Zach must be air-lifted to Albany."
"I'm going, too."
He swallowed.
"Oh, my God. Why am I not allowed to?"
"It's a private room, honey, and his uncle hates our kind. Most of the time, Zach's going to be in therapy sessions or-"
"JESUS!" someone exclaimed - a voice, hurting.
A sudden pain ripped through me and I was instantly by his side.
Zach's eyes were closed, tears streaking down his face, his hands clenched into fists by his temples. "Please, oh my God, please make it stop..."
"Ssshhh..." I said, whimpering. "Shhh. It will be okay, it will go away soon, I promise.
A swarm of Cullens, Hales, and Dhart all around him.
"CLARA!" he suddenly exclaimed, and his eyes peeled open. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.
He looked straight at me - straight into what felt like a million years of knowing me, and said, "Where is she?!"
"Who?" I asked, confused, on the verge of laughing.
"Clara! I need her! I need CLARA!"
I let go of his hand and choked.
I fell to my knees on the floor and everything inside me scrunched up and screamed. I was bawling, uncontrollably, while Zach kept hollering for someone to get Clara; to get his fiancee.
I think I gagged twice. Maybe three times. Only Emmett would know. He's the one that picked me up and carried me out into the hallway. He sat there and held me close and talked to me about nothing that I could comprehend, and looked like he was going to cry too.
"He doesn't know!" I remember crying.
"He will, Clare... He's got to know."
---
Obviously, now, it makes no sense. I kind of feel for it anyway, and I know it probably would've been more humane, but it's just kind of 'outta there' Clara-wise.
OH, fanfictiondrama.
6.01.2008
Today = Uneventful in Not-So-Many Letters
We had the carpets clean, and oh, I talked to a drunk online.
It's been quite a day, lemme tell ya. [/sarcasmsarcasm]
As much as I'm sure you want to hear about the wonderful carpets, and the fact that no, not a single one of the Stanley Steamer guys was cute, I'll start with the drunk, shall I?
His name is Anthony, and we're close friends. He's just over drinking age, so he does, and once or twice every week he'll come home drunk. Usually, he passes out afterwords and I don't talk to him or anything.
Except, no. Not tonight.
Nah, tonight he decided that he would actually get online and try to talk to me, which was not a good deal. It was like watching a dyslexic type, or something. So I just signed off.
As you can tell, the highlight of my day sucked.
Tomorrow, I'm going to church, coming home, tuning in for the MTV awards pre-show (Twilight clip - it's on at 7:30, I believe), and then trying to do something fun. Lately, I've had this weird feeling, like 'what am I even DOING?!'
In fact, I'm writing this at three in the AM because I WOKE UP at two and couldn't go back to sleep. I was sweating and panting and crap, so it was probably one of those bad dreams you can't remember.
Hmm.
I think I might spend a couple minutes on the latest Clara post (not out, don't even check). It needs it pretty badly.
Also, EIGHTEEN DAYS BEFORE I TURN SIXTEEN.
Except I won't be anywhere near a computer or phone on my birthday - I'll be at church camp, which is definetely the way every girl wants to spend her sixteenth. Maybe I'll call Daniel, Andrew, and Caleb and see what we're going to do, since really, they're the only ones I want to call about it.
Haha. I want to spend my sweet sixteenth with three guys. That's so weird.
Ohh... Maybe David, too. But for that, I'll have to find my cell phone. Crap.
Whird tah yuur motha.
(ps - scheduled surprise post coming tomorrow. you'll like it and hate it at the same time.)
It's been quite a day, lemme tell ya. [/sarcasmsarcasm]
As much as I'm sure you want to hear about the wonderful carpets, and the fact that no, not a single one of the Stanley Steamer guys was cute, I'll start with the drunk, shall I?
His name is Anthony, and we're close friends. He's just over drinking age, so he does, and once or twice every week he'll come home drunk. Usually, he passes out afterwords and I don't talk to him or anything.
Except, no. Not tonight.
Nah, tonight he decided that he would actually get online and try to talk to me, which was not a good deal. It was like watching a dyslexic type, or something. So I just signed off.
As you can tell, the highlight of my day sucked.
Tomorrow, I'm going to church, coming home, tuning in for the MTV awards pre-show (Twilight clip - it's on at 7:30, I believe), and then trying to do something fun. Lately, I've had this weird feeling, like 'what am I even DOING?!'
In fact, I'm writing this at three in the AM because I WOKE UP at two and couldn't go back to sleep. I was sweating and panting and crap, so it was probably one of those bad dreams you can't remember.
Hmm.
I think I might spend a couple minutes on the latest Clara post (not out, don't even check). It needs it pretty badly.
Also, EIGHTEEN DAYS BEFORE I TURN SIXTEEN.
Except I won't be anywhere near a computer or phone on my birthday - I'll be at church camp, which is definetely the way every girl wants to spend her sixteenth. Maybe I'll call Daniel, Andrew, and Caleb and see what we're going to do, since really, they're the only ones I want to call about it.
Haha. I want to spend my sweet sixteenth with three guys. That's so weird.
Ohh... Maybe David, too. But for that, I'll have to find my cell phone. Crap.
Whird tah yuur motha.
(ps - scheduled surprise post coming tomorrow. you'll like it and hate it at the same time.)
5.31.2008
Dear Stephenie, Pt. 3
What's the deal with the chess, darling? I know you claim you have no control, but even I can throw a witch fit long enough for people to realize that a cover should hold a ton of signifigance --- the English teachers of America CRAVE your symbolistic ways!
Also, Jacob Black? He must not win. I swear, I will hunt you down and massacre the first manuscript (and then steal it - BIG FAN!!!).
Anyway, back to topic: I get the idea that maybe the tall white one (that I mysteriously want to take out on a date...) is Edward, and that maybe the short red one is Bella, but WHY? WHY are they not, like, TOGETHER? Where's the wolves? And why is he towering over her like he's going to kill her!?
Are you beginning to see where the witch fit would've come in handy?
Well, you don't take emails anymore - you haven't since three weeks into the first book, so I have to write it this way and pray that you somehow find it. I love you girl, but we need to talk, is basically what I'm trying to push here.
Ciao! God Save Edward!
Lauren
Also, Jacob Black? He must not win. I swear, I will hunt you down and massacre the first manuscript (and then steal it - BIG FAN!!!).
Anyway, back to topic: I get the idea that maybe the tall white one (that I mysteriously want to take out on a date...) is Edward, and that maybe the short red one is Bella, but WHY? WHY are they not, like, TOGETHER? Where's the wolves? And why is he towering over her like he's going to kill her!?
Are you beginning to see where the witch fit would've come in handy?
Well, you don't take emails anymore - you haven't since three weeks into the first book, so I have to write it this way and pray that you somehow find it. I love you girl, but we need to talk, is basically what I'm trying to push here.
Ciao! God Save Edward!
Lauren
5.30.2008
I WANT IT THAT WAY!
Ted Bundy, a really fabulous musician, remembering the people who created pop.
And who still rock my Earth.
(Notice that you can hear the words? That's because the audience is SINGING ALONG!)
And who still rock my Earth.
(Notice that you can hear the words? That's because the audience is SINGING ALONG!)
5.29.2008
ON AUGUST SECOND...
5.28.2008
"I Like The Way You Mooov...-
...OW, NO, OW, GET OFF OF ME! I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU MOVE LIKE THAT!"
Drama Banquet memories. Good times.
So I started another Clara post - bear with me here, it's going to be long and weird, but Katie and I collaborated for a part, so it should be kind of interesting to see Annora and Clara have the same experience for once, without having to wait for a reprecussion post.
I have a new favorite word, by the way. It's 'Velleity' (pronounced VELL-uh-tee), which is, by Dictionary, 'a slight wish or tendency; inclination".
I think it's FABULOUS!
Also, I thought you Mainers who know and love this person might like to hear that I found this quote:
ON NONE OTHER THAN ELIZABETH SCOTT'S WEBSITE.
I was like :O. I kind of know-but-really-don't her! AAH! (aka, know through slight association)
Also, 'Bloom' is terrific. I'm not kidding. It's wholesome amazingness in the package of a book you can't put down in the middle of reading it. If your house caught on fire spontaneously, I don't think it could even spur you to stop reading it.
Yeah.
Well... Maybe not a house fire. That's slightly extreme. But I digress. :)
Drama Banquet memories. Good times.
So I started another Clara post - bear with me here, it's going to be long and weird, but Katie and I collaborated for a part, so it should be kind of interesting to see Annora and Clara have the same experience for once, without having to wait for a reprecussion post.
I have a new favorite word, by the way. It's 'Velleity' (pronounced VELL-uh-tee), which is, by Dictionary, 'a slight wish or tendency; inclination".
I think it's FABULOUS!
Also, I thought you Mainers who know and love this person might like to hear that I found this quote:
"Well, I loved Bloom. LOOOOOOVED it...People, I'm telling you: Read it ASAP. It's smart and layered and real, it feels honest and, yes, it's a swoonfest-o-rama. I loved it." --Bookshelves of Doom
ON NONE OTHER THAN ELIZABETH SCOTT'S WEBSITE.
I was like :O. I kind of know-but-really-don't her! AAH! (aka, know through slight association)
Also, 'Bloom' is terrific. I'm not kidding. It's wholesome amazingness in the package of a book you can't put down in the middle of reading it. If your house caught on fire spontaneously, I don't think it could even spur you to stop reading it.
Yeah.
Well... Maybe not a house fire. That's slightly extreme. But I digress. :)
5.26.2008
We're BUTCH!
Haha. Totally watched 'Robinhood: Men in Tights' tonight. Still love it. And the guy who plays Robin? He still reminds me of Westley in 'The Princess Bride', because he happens to be the same actor.
That's right. I'm that deep and thoughtful.
Anyway, I went to the BX (mall thing) on Tinker AFB (Air Force Base - "Keep up with the acronyms!" [-Guy from Transformers]), because my aunt was talking about how Barbera Park, the woman who has a genious mind and wrote the books I started out reading - 'Junie B. Jones' books - was going to be there.
Well, she wasn't.
Turns out, that's JUNE 1st.
Really close. I know.
And also, I was looking at it, and while it's a TOUR, I don't think BP is going to be there, because on every description, it talks about how Junie B. is going to "meet her fans" on the "Stupid Smelly Bus" and perform some stuff out of the books.
I'll probably end up going anyway. :]
So I'm also expecting 'Bloom', by Elizabeth Scott, in the mail pretty soon, which excites me to no end. I think my family's sick of me talking about it, actually. I've looked for her new book, 'Stealing Heaven', which is about a girl who helps her mother steal things for a living trying to make a new life with people she's on the edge of thieving, but cannot find it.
As you can tell, I want it. BADLY.
Anywho, busy Memorial Day tomorrow...
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY
also.
The entire family's coming over and we're having steak and corn and a whole bunch of FRESH stuff in the backyard.
It's going to be fun.
Enjoy the long weekend, guys!!!
That's right. I'm that deep and thoughtful.
Anyway, I went to the BX (mall thing) on Tinker AFB (Air Force Base - "Keep up with the acronyms!" [-Guy from Transformers]), because my aunt was talking about how Barbera Park, the woman who has a genious mind and wrote the books I started out reading - 'Junie B. Jones' books - was going to be there.
Well, she wasn't.
Turns out, that's JUNE 1st.
Really close. I know.
And also, I was looking at it, and while it's a TOUR, I don't think BP is going to be there, because on every description, it talks about how Junie B. is going to "meet her fans" on the "Stupid Smelly Bus" and perform some stuff out of the books.
I'll probably end up going anyway. :]
So I'm also expecting 'Bloom', by Elizabeth Scott, in the mail pretty soon, which excites me to no end. I think my family's sick of me talking about it, actually. I've looked for her new book, 'Stealing Heaven', which is about a girl who helps her mother steal things for a living trying to make a new life with people she's on the edge of thieving, but cannot find it.
As you can tell, I want it. BADLY.
Anywho, busy Memorial Day tomorrow...
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY
also.
The entire family's coming over and we're having steak and corn and a whole bunch of FRESH stuff in the backyard.
It's going to be fun.
Enjoy the long weekend, guys!!!
5.24.2008
AAahduthghhgh.
It's five in the effigy-ng morning.
I'm de...
I started writing something with de, but it was meant to be exhausted, so you know what? Forget it! I'm going to bed.
[goodnight/goodmorning]
I'm de...
I started writing something with de, but it was meant to be exhausted, so you know what? Forget it! I'm going to bed.
[goodnight/goodmorning]
5.20.2008
TWO DAYS!
I'm thrilled.
No, no, BEYOND THAT!
Two days of school left, and six finals. Who will win: Lauren or TOD (Tests of Death)?
Bawahaha. :)
I changed my song. I love it. Again, like the other one, I found it on an Old Navy commercial. Honestly, I think Old Navy is the new MTV with the song popularity thing.
No, no, BEYOND THAT!
Two days of school left, and six finals. Who will win: Lauren or TOD (Tests of Death)?
Bawahaha. :)
I changed my song. I love it. Again, like the other one, I found it on an Old Navy commercial. Honestly, I think Old Navy is the new MTV with the song popularity thing.
5.19.2008
Ahah...
I expect the murderous comments to be very nicely and precisely worded.
And AFTER you click that, click here to read my defense, please and thank you.
♥
And AFTER you click that, click here to read my defense, please and thank you.
♥
5.18.2008
5.16.2008
The Last Friday Ever...
...of my Sophomore year of high school.
That's slightly frightening, and also very exciting.
As in "Hey, this is the last Friday you'll have to fight sleep in first hour."
or
"Hey, this is the last Friday you'll have to stand in the cafeteria line forever."
or
"Hey, this is the VERY last Friday you'll spend at Moore High School."
Oh, wait. That last one was scary.
I didn't buy a yearbook, so that kind of made things a little harder memory-wise. Everytime I looked at someones yearbook - signed it, rather - I got this little feeling of nostalgia.
At eighty, would I remember the people who effected me so much this year? The seniors that I'll never see again? The people who won't come back to Oklahoma? The kids that are staying at the old high school?
Oh, MY!
Of course, this caused me to write huge novellas in every person's book (minus Whitney, but I've written in her yearbook every year since kindergarten). They were funny or awkward or sad or (for the ones I didn't know too well) slightly generic.
But it was strange, because I've never felt like I had to do that before. Now it's kind of a do-or-die feeling.
OH, HIGH SCHOOL! The rampant emotions. :)
Of course, we all know about that, right? Eh?
(Just think - Only a few more days of posts about school and the drama inside of the drama that was happening! More posts about... Oh. Huh. Well, we'll see, I guess!)
That's slightly frightening, and also very exciting.
As in "Hey, this is the last Friday you'll have to fight sleep in first hour."
or
"Hey, this is the last Friday you'll have to stand in the cafeteria line forever."
or
"Hey, this is the VERY last Friday you'll spend at Moore High School."
Oh, wait. That last one was scary.
I didn't buy a yearbook, so that kind of made things a little harder memory-wise. Everytime I looked at someones yearbook - signed it, rather - I got this little feeling of nostalgia.
At eighty, would I remember the people who effected me so much this year? The seniors that I'll never see again? The people who won't come back to Oklahoma? The kids that are staying at the old high school?
Oh, MY!
Of course, this caused me to write huge novellas in every person's book (minus Whitney, but I've written in her yearbook every year since kindergarten). They were funny or awkward or sad or (for the ones I didn't know too well) slightly generic.
But it was strange, because I've never felt like I had to do that before. Now it's kind of a do-or-die feeling.
OH, HIGH SCHOOL! The rampant emotions. :)
Of course, we all know about that, right? Eh?
(Just think - Only a few more days of posts about school and the drama inside of the drama that was happening! More posts about... Oh. Huh. Well, we'll see, I guess!)
5.15.2008
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