Quit. Please.

I'm ranting for a minute, about everything. Ignore it, because seriously, none of these are about you all. You are the most dependent people I know.

First of all, I'm tired of being used and thrown away, only to be dragged back out when I'm starting to get used to something. I thought I had it all figured out, but then I slipped to the one person I knew I could tell anything to, they vanished because of that and who I was in the first place, and then right as I was getting used to having the one I slipped about by my side in everything, they left.

Only, of course, to show up days later, blaming me partially, and claiming that they've tried.

It's not like I don't believe them - which, I'm not saying I do - but please don't ASK me if I still love you, and don't come in and try to talk to me like you did before. I'm so shy, and no one gets that. It's assumed I'll be there to take the lead and make things right.

The person who slipped away was, face it, Lauren, the only person in the world who made you feel absolutely gorgeous and embarassed and interesting. It doesn't matter what any of these other people are saying, it's the one that got to know you from the inside, out, that made it real. I'm actually going to have to vouch on the idea that yeah, they knew you better than anyone.

Why didn't you say everything? Why WON'T you say everything?

Actually, nevermind. I know the answer to that one: Because they wouldn't read it, and wouldn't distinctly care. They're TRYING not to, and since the only way of contacting them is negotiable in the first place, there are ways to make sure they never see my NAME again.

I'm so lost and confused and swamped with things that keep me crying at night, but I can't tell anyone, because I'm Lauren. I'm the girl who smiles when there's nothing to smile for. I'm the one that works her ass off to make sure some freak isn't going to hurt their friends. I'm the listener, which is how I like it. Why change that for one thing, even if I know I would change completely if they - he - told me to? I LIKE who I am, unlike most girls my age, and I'll be damned if I'm going to turn into some kind of disaster child that needs everyone's support and love. I can work things out myself, and I'm so happy that I can.

However, this is new, and somewhere out in left feild. I'm working on it, but running there is taking some painful amount of time.

I had to write him today. I'll send it on the twenty-first. It's a tiny birthday thing, that says absolutely none of what I want it to say. I even tried to be funny.

Anyway, it will be worth it if he reads it.

I've changed lately, I've noticed. Become more paranoid, I guess. Everytime someone says, like that ever-so-familiar person, 'Nevermind...' or 'Forget it.', it makes me crazy and I want to yell and scream and tell them that forgetting or ignoring or NEVER MINDING is a HORRIBLE thing to do, and that will get you nowhere you want to go. Things were meant to be remembered, some told, and because of things that weren't told, I'm insane.

At the same time, I've noticed other people going paranoid, and it makes me want to be completely disconnected from the rest of the world, save this blog. I get little MySpace notes about how 'Are We Okay, Because I Moved Down on Your Top Friends' and 'You're Beautiful, I Hope You Go Out With Me Someday'.

I don't care if I'm beautiful. I want to be attractive - and not just in the way of beauty. That couldn't matter less. And God forbid I be horrible at taking compliments anyway... Ugh.

NOTICE, PEOPLE: LAUREN IS NOT TO FIGHT OVER.

I'm not one for being the center of conflict, or one to take all this pressure from kids that know exactly what I mean by 'no,' but choose to run with the money anyway.

Since when, anyway, does Top Friends mean anything about how much you think of someone?

And then, as all of this verbal crap is piling high, I'm going to be sent to both a cardiologist (something's wrong because I keep feeling like I'm going to pass out, and can't breathe right) and the Oral Surgeon. I have NEVER been so scared of the results of some simple tests the cardiologist is going to run, or the needle and pain that will result from the mouth surgery.

But again, no one knows how big of a deal that is, and the singular person who would calm me the hell down, is gone.

I guess, generally, I wish the world would speak what it meant, and mean what it spoke. I don't, even. No one does. We're all so guilty of that.

Today, I decided that I don't like to be in like. I don't like going through like to get to love. I want nothing to do with the mushy compliments and sweet guestures of a doting boyfriend.

I want the understanding of it all, and I want the final feeling. I want it forever.

I don't want to date. I don't want to date. I don't want to date.

I want to meet up and laugh and feel happy and loved and...

Yeah. That's it.