What a Night.

One single person made this night amazing.

Remember the nineteen-year-old (Julio)?

I tell him everything.
Nothing against any of you, but I mean, he's a guy, and he's THE fairytale guy, and basically, I can talk to him about any guys and he'll critique.

Well, I told him about the 'hey, I guess Morgan's not a bad guy thing', and he about lost it. But instead of the "YOU'RE GOING TO BE FRIENDS WITH THAT JERK?!", his response was:

"Are you still crazy about him?"

I kind of jogged around it, but said (shutup) yes, kind of still.

And I did my whole little "But it won't be the same, we're friends and thank God for that, blahblahblah" thing. You have all heard this.

He told me that I was BSing him.

And so then I launch into this huge thing about how much he loves her and the fact that I couldn't end that.

Which is when he said: "That could've been you."

And I said no, it couldn't have, and when he asked why, went into explaining how and why I was so scared of hurting people.

And then he said the first awe-striking line of the night: "Are you afraid he would want you to have sex with him or something, because if what you're telling me about before all the rumor crap, I promise you that he would wait. Dedication doesn't die."

I was like Oh.
And then I said no, that wasn't why, but that anyway, it didn't matter, because he was with someone he genuinely cared about.

"So you're just going to sit back and suffer?"

Um. No!
Which is when I pulled the, "look, someone has to be me" card.

But he kept calling me out, time after time, and telling me that I was being a moron and that I wasn't convincing him that I actually meant what I was saying.

In the middle of everything, I started to cry.

THAT was a weird feeling.

I kept thinking "What an asshole!"

And finally, the time that I told him I was overly scared, he said:

"I like you because you're interesting and unique. You're not like anyone else I've ever talked to."

Pause.

"But you? Scared? That makes you just as insignifigant as everyone else."

I kid you not, I gaped at the screen for a minute.

I had no comeback for once, you know it? But that's one of those lines that I'll never forget. The only thought going through my mind was 'ARE YOU KIDDING ME?'

I was mad.
And started crying a little harder. :/

"I have to be brutally honest with you. That really could be you. But you missed it. You screwed up. And you have to face that mistake, because you may have just missed out on the best thing in your life."

Oh, wow.
I was floored.

Because that was when I realized that he was very incredibly right. I hurt myself, and no kind of being nice or getting over it and moving on was going to help. Would you believe that he even chastened me for wanting to move on, because I would be cheating a guy out of a girl who didn't love him? Would you believe that he told me that I was lying to myself?

He told me it was okay to hate him, and that he would understand.

But I could only say thank you.


-LATER,

we were joking around, and he was like, "I would go to church camp with you, but I wouldn't make it one day. I'd question everything."

And I just said "Well, hey, at least you lasted a day."

And he said, "But in that one day, I don't think I could do what I want to do."

Me: "...What's that?"

"I want to do something in one day that no one's done in seven years."

I was up until FOUR in the AM trying to work it out of him. He made me work for it, but gave me clues that ended up narrowing it down to relating to two options, each happening in third grade:

(You should know this...)

Number one: Bad clothing.
Number two: My only ex-boyfriend.

I was kind of scared to know, but wanting to find out if he meant what I thought.

HE DIDN'T GIVE IN.

So finally, I got tired, and was like "Okay. Fine. You want to come to camp to get me to go out with you?"

And he was like "Too late. I said it was over. You'll never find out now. But anyway, you were close. Not right, exactly, but closer than nothing."

We talked forever.

Eventually, he signed off, but his last words we're "PS: You were right, and you know it. Smartass."

Ha.
I can feel so empty, and so gifted, ALL AT FRIGGING ONCE.


But it's weird.
I feel a lot better,
and I didn't know I felt bad.